“Mom’s on that talk show, Four o’Clock with Chloe and Charles.” Lacey walked into my office. Tory and I had actually been trying on new lingerie that we hoped would sell well. She was in purple, I was in light pink.
Lacey stopped, hands on her hips. “Both of you are so pretty you make me sick. Your stomachs are flat, you have skinny hips. Look at me.” She spread her arms out. “I think I have three babies in there and one in my butt.” She turned on the TV. “Let’s see what outrageous things Mom has to say today.”
Tory said, “What am I going to learn from the world’s greatest sexpert today?” We sat on the couch together. Hanging out in lingerie is something the three of us have done since we were teenagers.
The hosts, Chloe and Charles, were like Barbie and Ken. Plastic. Overly groomed. Blinding white teeth. Cheshire cat smiles.
“Brianna,” Chloe said, “people say you are the best sex educator in the country.”
“Thank you, Chloe, that’s lovely to hear.” Our mother was dressed in a bold, clingy purple dress and red heels, her curls pushed off her face and down her back.
“You’ve taught all of us a lot about … sex.” Chloe was an uptight blonde. She did not look like she would enjoy sex.
“Sex is a natural and normal part of life. So are orgasms, which is what we’re going to talk about today.” Our mother grinned, so innocent.
The audience clapped and hooted.
Chloe visibly cringed. “We are?” She shuffled through her paperwork. No! No way! That couldn’t be the topic. “Who told you – “
“I didn’t think that was on our agenda…” Charles said, alarmed, but smiling gamely. “I don’t think we’re allowed to say that O word…”
“Charles is a blow hard,” Tory said. “Looks like he’s talking with his balls in his mouth.”
“Thank you for the graphic, Tory,” I said.
“He does look like that,” Lacey mused. “Those chipmunk cheeks…”
“A good question is, how do you know that a man or a woman will be your perfect orgasmic match?” my mother asked, overriding both of them. “It’s quite simple: Look for qualities in their personality that would transfer well to an orgasm. Are they thoughtful? Protective? Giving and generous? Is there a desire there to please you? Do they love and care about you? Are they confident and adventurous? Passionate, humorous? Or, are they critical, selfish, narcissistic, egotistic, overly macho, rigid, boring, non – reflective? If so, you’re going to be non orgasmic. A non – match.”
“She is so blunt,” Lacey said.
“She’s right though,” I said.
“Scotty always did it for me,” Tory said. “Always. I never missed an orgasm. He always had me go first. Ladies first.”
“Not having orgasms in life will dry you up,” our delicate, Southern bellish mother said. “It will not only dry up your vagina, it will dry up your mind, your soul, your creativity, your joy, your sense of vitality and spirit. Sex is not fun without orgasms, can we all say that aloud?”
The audience tittered as my mother turned to them.
“Don’t be embarrassed! Let’s be truthful, let’s be honest, people. Say it with me, ‘Sex is not fun without orgasms.’”
The audience dutifully said, “Sex is not fun without orgasms,” then laughed. “One more time!” my mother encouraged. The audience repeated themselves, this time with more gusto. The camera panned their faces. Oh, this was fun! Brianna was fun!
“We women might say to ourselves, well, I do still enjoy sex even without the orgasm because I like the closeness. But that’s bull (bleep!).” Our mother waved a finger. “That isn’t true and the woman is deceiving herself. She must tell her man what she needs in order to achieve orgasm. She has to gather her womanly courage together.”
Chloe and Charles wriggled uncomfortably. The censors!
“Now, here is what not to do. One of my clients had not had an orgasm in two years and she was absolutely furious with her husband for not noticing it. He was blind to her and her successful sexual health, so one night, when he’s done and rolls off she picks up a broom and starts hitting him with it. She actually chased him around the house, screaming that she hadn’t had an orgasm in two years and he hadn’t noticed or cared. Don’t do this. What she should have done?”
Next came a surprise.
“She should have told him to keep going until she had her orgasm,” Chloe said, with a snarky snip to her voice. “What, it’s only for him? Get your kicks in and go to sleep? She should have told him to man up, put some effort in, and get the job done. She’s not a plastic blow up doll. She’s a woman!” As soon as the words were out, Chloe looked like she wanted to melt into the floor and disappear.
Charles said, “But he would never forget the broom incident, so that’s good, right Brianna?”
“She should have told him what to do to make her have an orgasm,” my mother said. “She should have sat him down at the kitchen table and, using a banana and a circular rind of orange peel, a cherry and an olive, showed him. Then she should have led him to the bedroom for his first lesson. It’s partly her fault for being spineless and not speaking up, demanding her orgasm, and it’s partly his fault for being a selfish monkey and bad in bed.”
“A selfish monkey!” Charles said, then laughed, a tiny and scratchy laugh.
“You notice when your wife has an orgasm, right, Charles?” My mother turned to him in her clingy purple dress.
Charles blushed. “Uh, oh yeah. Yeah. I know. She makes it…uh…clear.”
My mother looked at him skeptically. That would be the word: Skeptically.
Tory said, “He’s a hopeless fool, obsessed with his pecker and his pleasure.”
Lacey said, “Clueless. Totally clueless.”
I said, “Arrogantly ignorant. The worst type.”
“Charles you need to take more time with your wife,” my mother said. “Remember: Foreplay. But you need foreplay before the foreplay. Nothing is sexier than a man vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher, unless he’s doing both nude. Let me be bold and blunt. Most women will take bad sex for only a certain amount of time, then they’ll turn off and tune out. You men won’t be getting laid much anymore. She’ll have her excuses, like a headache or fatigue, but basically, she doesn’t like sex with you. You men have to pay attention to the orgasm. You do that, don’t you, Charles? It’s not all about you, right?”
Charles went pale, then red. “I pay attention! I do! Good attention!”
“See, an orgasm is not simply a culmination of the sex. It’s the pinnacle of the relationship in bed. There can be multiple orgasms, multiple small ones, then a larger one, or a large orgasm. It will be different each time, but what there can’t be is no orgasm.”
“Charles looks like he wants to choke on his chipmunk cheeks,” I said.
“Yep he does…” Tory said. “He’s reviewing his last encounter and is probably realizing that he was lame in bed.”
“No orgasm,” my mother said, “is bad.” She turned to the audience. “We don’t want to be bad in bed, do we?”
“No!” the audience said.
Charles swallowed hard, eyes darting. Chloe looked pissed.
“Sex is not fun without an orgasm, right, audience?”
“Right!” the audience said back to her. Fun fun, Brianna!
“Right!” Chloe said. She glared at the camera.
“I know we’re running out of time, but if I can add that lingerie does make bedroom time special time,” my mother said. “A woman is much more likely to orgasm if she feels fabulous. Take a peek at the lingerie I have on under my dress.”
My mother stood up, unsnapped her purple dress, yanked it wide open, stuck out a hip and a knee, and smiled. She was in a red bustier, red lacy underwear and a matching gauzy mini skirt. The audience went wild at this semi – flashing.
Chloe’s mouth dropped. Charles fidgeted.
“My mother owns a lingerie business called Lace, Satin and Baubles. This is from the Tory’s Temptations line. See how this bustier lifts the girls right up? See how there’s a skirt to cover the tops of the thighs, isn’t the top of the thigh a problem place for women?”
“Yes!” the audience shouted back to her.
“Note the color. Bright red. Flirty. Naughty. And don’t forget the heels. They give you a sleek and curvy line and we feel powerful in our heels, don’t we, ladies?”
“Yes!” the audience agreed, even the men.
She put her purple dress back together. “Now, the next time I’m on your show I’m going to talk about sex toys, but let me leave you with this, an orgasm a day keeps you ready for play! Can we say that audience?”
“An orgasm a day keeps you ready for play!” We love you, fun Brianna!
“Ladies and gentlemen…our favorite sex therapist, Brianna O’Rourke,” Chloe announced, smiling and clapping. Charles was still blushing, but he appeared contemplative, baffled, confused.
The audience was on their feet.
Tory, in her purple lingerie, Lacey in her maternity dress, and I in my pink lingerie, sat back and cackled.
“I love you, Mother!” Lacey said, blowing a kiss to the screen.
As if on cue, our mother kissed her hand and blew a kiss to the audience, waving her hand.
She does that every time and you know who the kiss is for?
Lacey, Tory and I.
We blew a kiss back to her.
Tory’s Temptations sold thousands.
Gave us more time.