Eyes Are Blurry, Brain is Fried, Christmas Book is Done
I can hardly see. Everything is fuzzy, even the cats.
My brain won’t think anymore.
I read one sentence after another, then I read it again and again because it’s not sticking in my cerebellum.
My back is hunched over and I feel like a grumpy gnome.
I am sleepless.
I am edgy.
I am snappy and I have the sneaking suspicion that Innocent Husband is avoiding me.
Finally, I get to the last page, then the last paragraph, then the last sentence.
I tell myself that when I am done proofing this %@^&# Christmas book I can have cookies.
And…finally…
I am done.
I close my fuzzy eyes. I breathe. I unbend my crooked back. I stretch like an old cat.
My very last edit of Bellini’s Christmas Burlesque Show is complete.
I have edited this book seven times (or eight, but who is counting?) which is five times less than I used to edit my books.
When I took a years-long break from writing books, one of my new rules when I “re-became” a writer again, was that I was going to edit my books less so I didn’t conk myself out.
I have avoided conking myself out, but barely.
Bellini’s Christmas Burlesque Show is currently being formatted and uploaded to Amazon.
I hope you like it. I hope it makes you laugh. I hope it makes your heart thump – in a happy / romantic, not scary, way.
I hope it brings some sweet holiday spirit to your life.
With the help of the elves, Bellini’s Christmas Burlesque Show will be coming to you soon, I promise.
Cheers, all. Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Stay sane.
Cathy
My New Christmas Book is Now Available!
Three elf-approved love stories to keep you happy and calm during the (hectic, in-laws visiting, exhausting) Christmas holidays. For you or for fun friends or sisters or aunts or mothers or mothers-in-law.
Only available on Amazon.
Here’s a short little summary about each sweet, hopefully funny, story.
Christmas in Montana
Laurel Kelly has been the manager for the hard rock band, Hellfire, for ten years. She’s travelled around the world and listened to eardrum-splitting concerts and head banging rehearsals. Her nerves are shot, her exhaustion complete. Unfortunately, after heading home to Montana to find a little peace with her eccentric mother and aunt, she finds that their frilly apron business is struggling, and they’ve sold the family home to Laurel’s ex-boyfriend, Josh. Josh was Laurel’s soulmate. She had never gotten over him and had never told him the truth about why she’d left him years ago. Laurel will need help from Mrs. Claus to sort this mess out.
Suzanna’s Stockings
Just in time for Christmas, Suzanna Everts is in a coma in the hospital. Lucky for her, with a little holiday magic from her friend, Magdalena Hernandez, she’s able to leave her body and explore her small Oregon beach town. One teeny, tiny problem is that Suzanna is invisible, and no one can see or hear her. Of course, being invisible has its plusses. Suzanna gets a close up look at her fiancé, watches an acquaintance drive her car straight through the front windows of a furniture shop she owns with her husband, discovers her sister’s secret and, finally, falls in love with the right guy, just in time to light up the Christmas tree.
A Very Merry Christmas
Meredith Ghirlandaio has too much going on this Christmas season. She’s running a Bed and Breakfast in an old brick home in snowy Telena, Montana, and her sister’s rebellious children have come to live with her because their mother has run off, her inner child “crying for freedom.” In addition, Meredith was (unwillingly) elected to chair the Telena Christmas Concert, complete with the “Wise Women’s Christmas Skit,” about hot flashes and push-up bras, and the “Old Timers Still Kickin’ It Band.” But the person who is causing her the most angst is Logan Taylor. She must resist that cowboy-hat wearing giant. If she doesn’t, she’ll have to tell him her secret. She can’t do that. Especially not at Christmas.
Many years ago, in the North Pole, amidst the leaping reindeer and the busy elves, these stories were previously published in “Our First Christmas,” “Holiday Magic,” and “Comfort and Joy.”
Cheers, all. Eat some cookies.
Happy Halloween! We Are Still Embarrassing Our Children
Greetings.
This is a photo of Innocent Husband and I on Halloween. We are waiting for the trick or treaters and dancing about like goofy ghouls do.
Can we call this a marital moment? After a groovy dance move, I told Innocent Husband that I’m going to wear my scary mask and my red hat to bed tonight.
He said, “Good. I’m looking forward to it.” He’s very funny.
And, clearly, spooky!
We are odd. Quirky. We accept this. We have been together a very long time and this is our excuse.
This year, however, Innocent Husband complained about wearing the pink, light-up, glittery cowgirl hat. It was “too girly” he whined. “Why do I have to wear the pink hat?”
Buck up, Innocent Husband, I said with docile gentleness, as is my way as an obedient, subservient wife. (Insert hysterical laughing here.)
Be the man! Gather up your masculinity, turn on your testosterone, and quit complaining! Plus, you look cute!
He sighed and did what he was told, which is best.
The cats swirled around his jivin’ legs. Even they weren’t fooled by the frightening mask. Simon meowed. Leroy stared impatiently. He wanted Innocent Husband to sit down for a snuggle.
Innocent Husband sighed again. He knows, at heart, that he’s a cat-man and their faithful servant.
As to our very favorite trick or treaters? We probably embarrass Rebel Dancing Daughter, Adventurous Singing Daughter, and Darling Laughing Son on a regular basis with our words and antics.
We are too old and creaky to care. We made ‘em, we raised ‘em, we fed ‘em and housed ‘em. They are now adults. If we are too much for them they can gather themselves up and go to a bar, order tequila, play pool, and recover.
Poor kids. WE LOVE YOU. Dance on!
Happy (late) Halloween from the Lamb ghouls!
If you want to sign up for my FREE newsletter on Substack, please click on the link:
https://cathylamb.substack.com/p/happy-halloween-merry-christmas-and
Need a New Christmas Book?
Happy (almost) Halloween! My new book, WANTED: Christmas Miracles is out TODAY for those of you who want to start celebrating with Mrs. Claus and Rudolph early.
I have three elf-approved, funny love stories to keep you happy and calm during the (hectic, in-laws visiting, exhausting) Christmas holidays.
Only on Amazon: https://tinyurl.com/r54yn65p
Christmas in Montana
Laurel Kelly has been the manager for the hard rock band, Hellfire, for ten years. She’s travelled around the world and listened to eardrum-splitting concerts and head banging rehearsals. Her nerves are shot, her exhaustion complete. Unfortunately, after heading home to Montana to find a little peace with her eccentric mother and aunt, she finds that their frilly apron business is struggling, and they’ve sold the family home to Laurel’s ex-boyfriend, Josh. Josh was Laurel’s soulmate. She had never gotten over him and had never told him the truth about why she’d left him years ago. Laurel will need help from Mrs. Claus to sort this mess out.
Suzanna’s Stockings
Just in time for Christmas, Suzanna Everts is in a coma in the hospital. Lucky for her, with a little holiday magic from her friend, Magdalena Hernandez, she’s able to leave her body and explore her small Oregon beach town. One teeny, tiny problem is that Suzanna is invisible, and no one can see or hear her. Of course, being invisible has its plusses. Suzanna gets a close up look at her fiancé, watches an acquaintance drive her car straight through the front windows of a furniture shop she owns with her husband, discovers her sister’s secret and, finally, falls in love with the right guy, just in time to light up the Christmas tree.
A Very Merry Christmas
Meredith Ghirlandaio has too much going on this Christmas season. She’s running a Bed and Breakfast in an old brick home in snowy Telena, Montana, and her sister’s rebellious children have come to live with her because their mother has run off, her inner child “crying for freedom.” In addition, Meredith was (unwillingly) elected to chair the Telena Christmas Concert, complete with the “Wise Women’s Christmas Skit,” about hot flashes and push-up bras, and the “Old Timers Still Kickin’ It Band.” But the person who is causing her the most angst is Logan Taylor. She must resist that cowboy-hat wearing giant. If she doesn’t, she’ll have to tell him her secret. She can’t do that. Especially not at Christmas.
Many years ago, in the North Pole, amidst the leaping reindeer and the busy elves, these stories were previously published in “Our First Christmas,” “Holiday Magic,” and “Comfort and Joy.”
My Brain is a Mess, but I’m Still Writing
Greetings, all.
This is my latest newsletter on Substack.
Yes, you can read it for free. Have a happy day.
Christmas in September
Merry Christmas in September! Looking for a Christmas book? I have three short, funny romances in one book titled: WANTED: Christmas Miracles. These elf-approved love stories will help keep you happy and calm during the (hectic, in-laws visiting, exhausting) Christmas holidays.
You can pre-order the E-book now. Release date is October 30th – paperback book can be bought then.
Mrs. Claus wrote these short summaries while drinking hot buttered rum and watching a reality TV show:
Christmas in Montana
Laurel Kelly has been the manager for the hard rock band, Hellfire, for ten years. She’s travelled around the world and listened to eardrum-splitting concerts and head banging rehearsals. Her nerves are shot, her exhaustion complete. Unfortunately, after heading home to Montana to find a little peace with her eccentric mother and aunt, she finds that their frilly apron business is struggling, and they’ve sold the family home to Laurel’s ex-boyfriend, Josh. Josh was Laurel’s soulmate. She had never gotten over him and had never told him the truth about why she’d left him years ago. Laurel will need help from Mrs. Claus to sort this mess out.
Suzanna’s Stockings
Just in time for Christmas, Suzanna Everts is in a coma in the hospital. Lucky for her, with a little holiday magic from her friend, Magdalena Hernandez, she’s able to leave her body and explore her small Oregon beach town. One teeny, tiny problem is that Suzanna is invisible, and no one can see or hear her. Of course, being invisible has its plusses. Suzanna gets a close up look at her fiancé, watches an acquaintance drive her car straight through the front windows of a furniture shop she owns with her husband, discovers her sister’s secret and, finally, falls in love with the right guy, just in time to light up the Christmas tree.
A Very Merry Christmas
Meredith Ghirlandaio has too much going on this Christmas season. She’s running a Bed and Breakfast in an old brick home in snowy Telena, Montana, and her sister’s rebellious children have come to live with her because their mother has run off, her inner child “crying for freedom.” In addition, Meredith was (unwillingly) elected to chair the Telena Christmas Concert, complete with the “Wise Women’s Christmas Skit,” about hot flashes and push-up bras, and the “Old Timers Still Kickin’ It Band.” But the person who is causing her the most angst is Logan Taylor. She must resist that cowboy-hat wearing giant. If she doesn’t, she’ll have to tell him her secret. She can’t do that. Especially not at Christmas.
Many years ago, in the North Pole, amidst the leaping reindeer and the busy elves, these stories were previously published in “Our First Christmas,” “Holiday Magic,” and “Comfort and Joy.”
Happy reading! Merry (early) Christmas!
“I’m Not Yours” is on Sale!
Hello all,
My E – book, I’m Not Yours, is on sale for a short and sweet amount of time for $4.99.
Only on Amazon…
Here’s what it’s about…
Two happy-ending love stories, written for women who need wine, a bubble bath, chocolates, and laughter.
The Apple Orchard
Allie Pelletier was fired from her executive position at a fancy clothing chain after her boss, a difficult and deranged woman, threw her Manolo Blahnik shoes at her head. Allie was relieved as her seventy-hour work weeks were exhausting. She caught the shoes and headed out. She sold her condo in a flash and moved to the old farmhouse and apple orchard that her estranged late father left her, along with a menagerie of funny pets. When Spunky Joe the horse accidentally kicks her, Allie lands in the emergency room. When Dr. Jace Rios, the love of her life she pushed away years ago, walks in, she ingloriously faints at his feet. And there we begin. Two people must overcome a painful history and buried secrets to be together again. With a little apple pie, it just might work.
June’s Lace
June MacKenzie is a wedding dress designer living in a charming blue cottage on a cliff above the Oregon Coast. Her dresses are eccentric and daring – a black leather and white lace dress for a motorcycle enthusiast, a dress filled with tiny white lights for a bride who loves fireflies. June is positive she will never design her own wedding dress because she’s going through a mind-numbing divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband is a controlling vermin-man who has decided he wants part of her business. She would rather be hit by lightning. But when June is knocked over by a sneaker wave and rescued by a sincere and steamy-hot country music songwriter, she knows she’s been knocked over by more than just water. Alas, she can’t “do” love again, even though Reece likes to dance with her on the sand…
* Eons ago, almost in the time of castles, knights, and yore, June’s Lace was previously printed in Beach Season and The Apple Orchard was previously printed in You’re Still the One.
Innocent Husband Does Not Meow at Deer
This is the expanded version of a facebook post I wrote recently.
It’s titled, “Innocent Husband Does Not Meow at Deer,” and you can read it on Substack. I wrote a longer article because I didn’t feel like working on my book. I was procrastinating. I am good at procrastinating.
Need a Funny Newsletter?
If you would like to sign up for my Substack newsletter, here’s the link.
I try to write regularly but that doesn’t work at all because of general laziness, daydreaming time, writing books, and hanging out with Innocent Husband and The Cats while begging Rebel Dancing Daughter, Adventurous Singing Daughter, and Darling Laughing Son to come and visit us again.
I do try to write with a little humor. Laughing is good for us blah blah blah.
Wishing you a happy day.
https://cathylamb.substack.com/?utm_campaign=profile_chips
Deer, Skunks, Lazy Cats
Since I live in the middle of suburbia / city, it makes sense that I have a mini herd of deer in my fenced backyard obstinately eating my impatiens. I also have a visiting skunk named Chameleon and a gang of coyotes that howl at night as if they own the place. I am waiting to see if a mountain lion streaks past my petunias so he can have deer for dinner.
The flower-eating crime was committed in broad daylight, right after Innocent Husband mowed the lawn. The deer were not afraid of Innocent Husband and the cats did nothing but laze and roll about. Rumor has it they didn’t even meow in protest.
To clarify: The cats didn’t meow at the deer. Innocent Husband didn’t meow at the deer, either, which would have been a sight to be seen. Innocent Husband doesn’t meow unless he is talking to the cats. It is an odd, frightening-sounding meow when it happens, like a violin screeching, or perhaps a cavewoman shouting, but the cats take it in stride and know that Innocent Husband is simply trying to be friendly.
I’m writing my latest book outside tomorrow so I can keep an eye on my impatiens and encourage the cats to protect the property in a more effective manner.
20 Years Ago it Seemed Hopeless
20 years ago I almost gave up on writing books.
There had been too many rejections from agents and editors.
Not for weeks or months.
Becoming a published writer seemed absolutely hopeless. Eventually I thought there was a greater chance that I would turn into a tiny fairy with sparkling wings.
Read more on my FREE Substack newsletter…
A Little Music, a New(ish) Book
Hello everyone,
Click on my video below for a little music, and a little information about my new book, “I’m Not Yours.”
Super summer reading, happy ending, funny at times…
Happy Summer Reading
Hello everyone! Happy summer reading to you!
I just wanted to let you know that “Ruthie Deschutes O’Hara Has Ulterior Motives” and “Ten Kids, Two Lovebirds, and a Singing Mermaid,” are now on Kindle Unlimited in case you need a summer read! 
Here’s what they’re about…
RUTHIE DESCHUTES O’HARA HAS ULTERIOR MOTIVES:
A hilarious, touching story about love…at any age.
Ruthie Deschutes O’Hara is 70 years old. Her huge family, eccentric and rebellious, owns a popular tequila business in central Oregon, which they run off “the homestead.”
A retired English teacher who loves books, Ruthie has been widowed for five years. Her beloved late husband and she used to watch a reality TV dating show called “Marry Me,” along with their dignified old dogs, curious cats, snorting pig, and scary rabbit who sometimes screams.
The “grooms” on “Marry Me” had the intellectual capabilities of grunting cavemen, according to Ruthie, as they dated the “brides,” and yet, the show was oddly entertaining.
But Ruthie has a big problem that needs to be solved in a creative way. She decides to do something daring. Something out of character. Something…outrageous.
She will become a contestant on a new “Marry Me” for seniors! She’ll compete for a groom, along with two dozen other “mature” brides.
She has no interest in the groom, that would be ridiculous. She’s not looking to fall in love again, that would be silly. Good heavens, she’s certainly not looking to wed the man, but if she was chosen for “Marry Me,” she could probably solve her perplexing problem. All would then be well again…
Ruthie Deschutes O’Hara has ulterior motives.
She is not going on “Marry Me” for the right reasons.
She is not prepared for what happens next.
+++++
TEN KIDS, TWO LOVEBIRDS, and a SINGING MERMAID:
Set in Huntington Beach, California in 1979, the O’Briens and Rossis become next door neighbors and life is never the same again.
July 2019
Jesse O’Brien receives the phone call she never wanted and never expected. Her frightened sister, Joyce, tells her, “She’s missing.”
June 1979
On the day Jesse’s mother’s marriage fell apart, her face was slathered in snow-white cold cream, everything but her mouth and small circles around her eyes covered. She wore a plastic cap to dye a few gray hairs snaking through her thick brown waves and a pink polyester housedress.
Annie O’Brien, usually calm and cheerful, is livid as her husband tells her he’s leaving her and their five children for a woman who looks like Barbie.
Stunned, Jesse follows her furious parents outside as her father loads his suitcases into his Alfa Romeo and her mother loads a pie into her hand and heaves it at her father then waters his face with a hose.
When the dust settles, the Alfa Romeo roaring down the street, the cold cream now mixed with cherry pie filling, the shattered O’Brien family meets the Rossi family who have just moved in next door: Tommy, a Vietnam vet who looks like a motorcycle gang leader; his sister, Liliana, who believes she’s a mermaid; and Tommy’s five kids. They are mildly surprised at the family drama, but eager to get to know their exciting new neighbors.
Five kids plus five kids equals ten, and the adventures begin with an ending no one saw coming.
Inspired by Cathy Lamb’s childhood, TEN KIDS TWO LOVEBIRDS, AND A SINGING MERMAID is a funny, sweet story about life changing pies and Slip ‘N Slides, swearing parrots and sunny days, and mending aching hearts…together.
BOTH BOOKS ONLY AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
\
Need a summer read?
I bet you need a book that will make you smile.
And laugh.
And take you away from life.
I have one for ya.
Only on Amazon: https://shorturl.at/MtRHH
For Women who Need Wine, a Bubble Bath, and a Break…
Click on the link to see my new article on Substack about my book I’m Not Yours.
I chat about the two novellas, June’s Lace and The Apple Orchard, how women can wear cool glasses in a bubble bath, balance wine on their stomachs, and how cackling like a witch helped me to write my latest stories.
https://cathylamb.substack.com/p/my-newish-book-is-out-today
Happy reading to all!
My New(ish) Book is out TODAY!
Need two entertaining summer romances?
My new(ish) book, “I’m Not Yours,” is out TODAY. The two modern love stories, “June’s Lace” and “The Apple Orchard” were written for women who need wine, a bubble bath, and a break.
Oh, and a few laughs.
Only on Amazon: https://shorturl.at/BtFnQ
A little info on these two novellas…
THE APPLE ORCHARD
Allie Pelletier was fired from her executive position at a fancy clothing chain after her boss, a difficult and deranged woman, threw her Manolo Blahnik shoes at her head.
Allie was relieved as her seventy-hour work weeks were exhausting. She caught the shoes and headed out. She sold her condo in a flash and moved to the old farmhouse and apple orchard that her estranged late father left her, along with a menagerie of funny pets.
When Spunky Joe the horse accidentally kicked her, Allie landed in the emergency room.
When Dr. Jace Rios, the love of her life she pushed away years ago, walked in, she ingloriously fainted at his feet.
And there we begin. Two people must overcome a painful history and buried secrets to be together again.
With a little apple pie, it just might work.
(SHHH. BIG secret: It does work! But this is a romance story so you knew that.)
JUNE’S LACE
June MacKenzie is a wedding dress designer living in a charming blue cottage on a cliff above the Oregon Coast. Her dresses are eccentric and daring – a black leather and white lace dress for a motorcycle enthusiast, a dress filled with tiny white lights for a bride who loves fireflies.
June is positive she will never design her own wedding dress because she’s going through a mind-numbing divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband is a controlling vermin-man who has decided he wants part of her business. She would rather be hit by lightning.
But when June is knocked over by a sneaker wave and rescued by a sincere and steamy-hot country music songwriter, she knows she’s been knocked over by more than just water.
Amidst planning her sister’s wedding with her hilarious, eccentric family, can she learn to trust the singing cowboy in front of her?
(SPOILER ALERT! Yes, she can!)
*** Eons ago, almost in the time of castles, knights, and yore, June’s Lace was previously printed in Beach Season and The Apple Orchard was previously printed in You’re Still the One.
Happy Fourth of July!
Happy Fourth of July, everyone!
We’re having a BBQ with friends, then my neighborhood will sound like it’s exploding, and next I’ll settle in to read a book.
Wishing you a joyful day.
PS My new(ish) book “I’m Not Yours,” with two novellas, is out next week!
Merry Summer
Editing my Christmas book, today. It’s going to be a loooong few months.
I shall need some magic from Mrs. Claus, help from Rudolph, and an elf or too.
Wishing you a Merry Summer.
I’m Not Yours
Greetings! I’M NOT YOURS is out in a few days, I think, probably, hoping…Here’s what the two novellas, The Apple Orchard and June’s Lace, are about…
The Apple Orchard
Allie Pelletier was fired from her executive position at a fancy clothing chain after her boss, a difficult and deranged woman, threw her Manolo Blahnik shoes at her head. Allie was relieved as her seventy-hour work weeks were exhausting. She caught the shoes and headed out. She sold her condo in a flash and moved to the old farmhouse and apple orchard that her estranged late father left her, along with a menagerie of funny pets. When Spunky Joe the horse accidentally kicks her, Allie lands in the emergency room. When Dr. Jace Rios, the love of her life she pushed away years ago, walks in, she ingloriously faints at his feet. And there we begin. Two people must overcome a painful history and buried secrets to be together again. With a little apple pie, it just might work.
June’s Lace
June MacKenzie is a wedding dress designer living in a charming blue cottage on a cliff above the Oregon Coast. Her dresses are eccentric and daring – a black leather and white lace dress for a motorcycle enthusiast, a dress filled with tiny white lights for a bride who loves fireflies. June is positive she will never design her own wedding dress because she’s going through a mind-numbing divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband is a controlling vermin-man who has decided he wants part of her business. She would rather be hit by lightning. But when June is knocked over by a sneaker wave and rescued by a sincere and steamy-hot country music song writer, she knows she’s been knocked over by more than just water. Alas, she can’t “do” love again, even though Reece likes to dance with her on the sand…
*** Eons ago, almost in the time of castles, knights, and yore, “June’s Lace” was printed in “Beach Season” and “The Apple Orchard” was printed in “You’re Still the One.”
Hear Ye, Hear Ye
Coming soon….one brand new Christmas novel, one three-novella Christmas collection, and one two-novella romance. Links to follow.
**** Eons ago, almost in the time of castles, knights, and yore, the stories in “WANTED: Christmas Miracles” and “I’m Not Yours” were printed in different anthologies. Hear ye, hear ye, you probably didn’t read them.
My Mom and a Burgundy Clematis
Happy Sunday! I’m reading / writing / sitting in my garden. See the clematis? That was my late mother’s.
She’s been gone 23 years and every summer when it blooms I just smile, and get a little teary, and remember what a beautiful, amazing, strong woman she was.
We both love books, we both love gardening, we both love reading books in a garden.
New – Old Book Coming Out Soon!
I’m Not Yours is coming out soon! Two happy-ending, funny love stories set in Oregon: The Apple Orchard and June’s Lace. Perfect for summer and for those who need to read cheerful books to counter the mess and stress of real life. Links to follow.
++ Both stories published eons ago in 2012 and 2013 in anthologies. If ya don’t remember reading them then, they’ll be NEW TO YOU.
When the Moon is Full…
If you need a summer read, I have two short stories coming out soon, June’s Lace and The Apple Orchard. The title of the book is I’m Not Yours. Cover and link will be available when the moon is full and a small rainbow shines overhead.
(Previously published in You’re Still the One and Beach Season eons ago…in a far away galaxy…in a time when buggies were pulled by horses and bonnets were worn…)
