Your Hollywood Boyfriend, Driving Horses, and The Force
I am teaching Adventurous Singing Daughter how to drive.
This is the third offspring I have allowed behind the wheel of a car. I am not embarrassed to say that this has often been a frightening, intestinal shriveling experience and I think we would all be better off if teenagers drove slow horses named Sam.
Here are a few bits of wisdom I have learned while teaching my (beloved) teenagers how to navigate the roads in a multi ton, four – wheeled weapon:
1) Woe is me, high pitched screaming does not help.
2) No matter how hard you push and pump your right foot down on the passenger side, there is no brake and you will not be able to stop the car, you poor thing.
3) Do hold onto that handle thingie above the passenger door. It comes in handy when your teenage driver is negotiating a turn and does not have the, “Slow down when making a turn,” lesson down yet and you begin to levitate out of your seat, your horrified face plastered against the window, while you try not to puke.
4) It is never appropriate to use the F word with children around even if you damn near side swipe another F %$%& car.
5) If you become so frightened driving with your teenager that you feel faint, slap yourself. Do it one more time for good measure and tell yourself to buck up and be brave.
6) During the driving lesson if you start to feel like you can’t breathe, it’s probably not a heart attack. It’s a panic attack. Keep a paper bag in the car, breathe deeply, and think about a love scene with your favorite Hollywood boyfriend with you in it. Do not ever tell your teenager you’re thinking about a love scene with Hollywood Boyfriend as this will totally, completely freak her out and she will smash that light post right in front of you and T – bone the car and you will have deserved it, Mom! Duh.
7) Absolutely do not let your kid drive on the freeway until they have driven and driven and driven some more on all other types of roads and highways unless you enjoy the feeling of your heart grinding to a stop, and believing that you are now going to die, die, OH LORD ALMIGHTY, you are going to die.
8) Teaching a kid to drive will make your hair whiter sooner. It just will. Accept it. You’re middle aged now anyhow, oh yes you are, yes you are, yes you so are.
9) When your child decides to hit the brakes in the middle of the highway, for no reason, and you shriek, “Go! Go! For God’s sakes, GO!” Be prepared for said teenager to later be in a huff because you, “Yelled at her for nothing!”
10) It is permissible to carry a rosary. Just remember that it is “Hail Mary,” and not “Hellllll, Mary! Hell!”
11) Do not slug down straight shots from your “coffee mug,” while teaching your child how to drive no matter how tempting. Not legal. Poor example.
12) This one is not about learning to drive, but I’ll add it: You are a fool if you buy your teenager a sports car. Truly. You are.
13) You will think of your parents teaching you to drive when you are teaching your kid how to drive. You will be sorry you were such a sulky and ridiculous teenager and you will know that your parents are now getting their revenge and cackling like weird, half crazed hyenas at your expense.
14) When the driving lesson is over for the day, compliment your teenager to build her confidence, then allow her to skip through the front door first. If you have wet your pants, you can then hobble in through the garage and make a dash for the bathroom.
Good luck. May the force be with you, fellow parent. There are many sacrifices in raising children, and this is one of them. I’m going to lay down now with a cool cloth over my head and envision my children driving very nice, slow horses named Sam.
