08.31.2016

My Mother, Her Three Dresses, And A Love Of Books

When I was a child I didn’t know that my mother had only three dresses.
All I knew was that she was the best. Kind, loving, smiling.
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08.30.2016

My New Novel, The Language of Sisters, Is Out Today

Greetings, everyone!

If you need an end of summer novel, my new book is out today.

A short and sweet summary:

1) Toni Koslovsky lives on a yellow tugboat on the Willamette River in Oregon. She needed space to breathe.

2) Toni has two sisters. They can sometimes hear each other in their heads, a message coming through. It’s odd, it’s inexplicable. It’s a gift handed down through the Sabonis family line through their widow’s peaks. Their mother had it, too.

3) The family escaped from Russia when Toni was a little girl. They left a lot of secrets there…and the secrets have been chasing them down ever since.

 

4) The Kozlovsky family has many eccentric and odd members and the dynamics are complicated. You might relate to some of them.

5) Love. Laughter. Funny stuff. A blue heron, a woman named Daisy, a DEA agent who lives down the dock, a family restaurant, a scary man. Pillow making, skinny dipping, too much wine. More laughter.

The first chapter is below.

I so hope you like it.

If you’re in the Portland, Oregon area, I’ll be speaking at Powell’s Books, Cedar Hills, in Beaverton, on Monday, October 3 at 7:00. I would truly love to see you there.

Happy day to you.

Cathy

Amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0190HGQR4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1#nav-subnav

Powell’s Books http://www.powells.com/book/the-language-of-sisters-9780758295101

Barnes and Nobles http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-language-of-sisters-cathy-lamb/1123105717

 

Chapter One

I was talented at pickpocketing.

I knew how to slip my fingers in, soft and smooth, like moving silk. I was lightning quick, a sleight of hand, a twist of the wrist. I was adept at disappearing, at hiding, at waiting, until it was safe to run, to escape.

I was a whisper, drifting smoke, a breeze.

I was a little girl, in the frigid cold of Moscow, under the looming shadow of the Soviet Union, my coat too small, my shoes too tight, my stomach an empty shell.

I was desperate. We were desperate.

Survival stealing, my sisters and I called it.

Had we not stolen, we might not have survived.

But we did. We survived. My father barely, my mother only through endless grit and determination, but now we are here, in Oregon, a noisy family, who does not talk about what happened back in Russia, twenty-five years ago. It is best to forget, my parents have told us, many times.

“Forget it happened. It another life, no?” my father says. “This here, this our true life. We Americans now. Americans!”

We tried to forget, but in the inky-black silence of night, when Mother Russia intrudes upon our dreams, like a swishing scythe, a crooked claw emerging from the ruins of tragedy, when we remember family members buried under the frozen wasteland of the Soviet Union’s far reaches, we are all haunted, some more than others.

You would never guess by looking at my family what some of us have done and what has been done to us. You would never sense our collective memory, what we share, what we hide.

We are the Kozlovskys.

We like to think we are good people.

And, most of the time, we are. Quite good.

And yet, when cornered, when one of us is threatened, we come up swinging.

But, pfft.

All that. In the past. Best to forget what happened.

As my mother says, in her broken English, wagging her finger, “No use going to Moscow in your head. We are family. We are the Kozlovskys. That all we need to know. The rest, those secrets, let them lie down.”

Yes, do.

Let all the secrets lie.

For as long as they’ll stay down.

They were coming up fast. I could feel it.

 

 

 

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08.29.2016

Thanks, USA Today!

Happily Ever After of USA Today shares an excerpt from The Language of Sisters by Cathy Lamb (no relation!) The Language of Sisters arrives tomorrow (Tuesday).

by Joyce Lamb

original link: http://happyeverafter.usatoday.com/2016/08/29/language-of-sisters-excerpt-cathy-lamb/

The Language of Sisters by Cathy LambAbout the book:

Toni Kozlovsky can’t explain how she knows exactly what her sisters are feeling—only that the connection seems to happen out of the blue, just when they need it most. Since Toni, Valerie, and Ellie were little girls growing up in Communist Russia, their parents have insisted it’s simply further proof that the Kozlovskys are special and different.

Now a crime and justice reporter, Toni lives on a yellow tugboat on Oregon’s Willamette River. As far as her parents are concerned, the pain of their old life and their dangerous escape should remain buried in the Moscow they left behind, as should the mysterious past of their adopted brother, Dmitry. But lately, Toni’s talent for putting on a smile isn’t enough to keep memories at bay.

Valerie, a prosecuting attorney, wages constant war against the wrongs she could do nothing about as a child. Youngest sister Ellie is engaged to marry an Italian, breaking her mother’s heart in the process. Toni fears she’s about to lose her home, while the hard edged DEA agent down the dock keeps trying to break through her reserve. Meanwhile, beneath the culture clashes and endearing quirks within her huge, noisy, loving family are deeper secrets that Toni has sworn to keep—even from the one person she longs to help most.

Chapter 1

I was talented at pickpocketing.

I knew how to slip my fingers in, soft and smooth, like moving silk. I was lightning quick, a sleight of hand, a twist of the wrist. I was adept at disappearing, at hiding, at waiting, until it was safe to run, to escape.

I was a whisper, drifting smoke, a breeze.

I was a little girl, in the frigid cold of Moscow, under the looming shadow of the Soviet Union, my coat too small, my shoes too tight, my stomach an empty shell.

I was desperate. We were desperate.

Survival stealing, my sisters and I called it.

Had we not stolen, we might not have survived.

But we did. We survived. My father barely, my mother only through endless grit and determination, but now we are here, in Oregon, a noisy family, who does not talk about what happened back in Russia, twenty-five years ago. It is best to forget, my parents have told us, many times.

“Forget it happened. It another life, no?” my father says. “This here, this our true life. We Americans now. Americans!”

We tried to forget, but in the inky-black silence of night, when Mother Russia intrudes our dreams, like a swishing scythe, a crooked claw emerging from the ruins of tragedy, when we remember family members buried under the frozen wasteland of the Soviet Union’s far reaches, we are all haunted, some more than others.

You would never guess by looking at my family what some of us have done and what has been done to us. You would never sense our collective memory, what we share, what we hide.

We are the Kozlovskys.

We like to think we are good people.

And, most of the time, we are. Quite good.

And yet, when cornered, when one of us is threatened, we come up swinging.

But, pfft.

All that. In the past. Best to forget what happened.

As my mother says, in her broken English, wagging her finger, “No use going to Moscow in your head. We are family. We are the Kozlovskys. That all we need to know. The rest, those secrets, let them lie down.”

Yes, do.

Let all the secrets lie.

For as long as they’ll stay down.

They were coming up fast. I could feel it.

Chapter 2

“A Italian!” my mother, Svetlana, howled, slamming a cast iron pan to her stove. “What is this? My Elvira marrying a Italian? Why not a Russian? What wrong with Russian? I been cursed. Like black magic spell.”

English is my mother’s fourth language. Russian and Ukrainian come first. She is also conversationally fluent in French, which is the language she likes to swear in. Her English is never perfect, but it goes downhill quickly based on how upset she is.

“That sister of yours, Antonia,” – she put her palms up to the ceiling – “Elvira is a…how you say it? I know now the word: rebel. She a rebel. I pray for her, but I knew when she born, your aunt Polina say to me, ‘This one, she will cause your heart to cry!’ And see?” She pointed at her chest. “Tears.”

“Mama. Your heart is not crying. Ellie says she is in love with Gino.”

“Love! Love!” she scoffed. She pushed a strand of her black hair back, the same color as mine, only mine fell down my back in waves and hers was to her shoulders in a bell shape. Our blue eyes were the same shade, too. I looked at her and I knew what I’d look like in twenty-two years. Definitely encouraging.

“I know about love. I have it with your papa. I know about this passion I have for him. He and I, we have the, what you call it?” She lowered her voice, for effect. “The biology in the bedroom.”

“Chemistry. You and Papa have chemistry.” I rolled my eyes and braced myself, then ate one of her chocolate fudge cookies. They are beyond delicious.

“No! Not chemistry. That chemicals. I say we have the biology in the bedroom because biology is body. He cannot stay away from me, from this.” She indicated her body from neck to crotch with one hand, head held high. My mother is statuesque. She curves. She still rocks it, I have to say.

“I cannot stay away from his manly hood, either. I say that in the truth.”

I was going to need many chocolate fudge cookies that afternoon, that was my truth.

“But Antonia, your sisterher voice pitched again, in accusation, as if I were in charge of Elvira—“she cannot have the biology for a Italian. She has it, it in her blood, for a Russian! A strong Russian man.”

My mother started banging pans around, muttering in Ukrainian. I loved her kitchen. It was huge, bright, and opened up to the family room. There were granite counters, white cabinets, and a backsplash with square tiles in every bold color of the rainbow. My mother loves bright colors. Says it reminds her, “I am no longer living in a gray and black world, fear clogging my throat like a snake.”

She had her favorite blue armoire, used by an old bakery to showcase their pies, built into the design and used it as a pantry. A butcher block counter was attached to a long, old wood table that had previously been used in a train station. Blue pendant lights, three of them, fell above the train station table. The windows were huge, at my mother’s request. She wanted to be able to look out and know immediately that she was in America, not Moscow. “Free,” she said. “And safe.”

This kitchen was where all of her new recipes for my parents’ restaurant, Svetlana’s Kitchen, were tried out. This kitchen was thousands of miles away from the tiny, often non-functioning kitchen of my childhood in Moscow. The one where I once watched her wash blood off her trembling hands—not her blood—in our stained and crumbling sink.

“Elvira should marry Russian man. She will grow to love him, like a sunflower grow. Like a turnip grow.”

“You were in love with Papa when you married him. No one asked you to grow to love your husband like a turnip.”

“Ah yes, that. I in love with your papa when I see him at university. I told my father after the first kissy, you must plan wedding for Alexeiand me right away, right now, because soon I lay naked with him.”

Oh boy. Here we go. I poured myself a cup of coffee. My mother makes coffee strong enough for me to grow chest hairs.

“I make the love with him.” She grabbed a spatula and pointed it at me. “I say that to my father.”

I imagined my mother’s sweet, late father, Anatoly Sabonis, hearing that from her. Poor man. I’m sure he momentarily stopped breathing. “I know, Mama, you told me.”

“It was how I felt. Here.” She put her spatula to her heart. “So in one month I am married to Alexei, but my father not let me be alone with him for one minute before wedding. And still, in the bedroom, your papa and I…”

“I know, Mama. You love Papa. Like Ellie loves Gino.”

“No! Not like that.” She smacked the spatula on the countertop. “Elvira fall in love with non Russian. A nonrusseman.”

“A nonrusseman?”

“Yes. I make that word up myself. It clever.”

“Is it one word?”

“Yes. One word. More efficient. More quickly.”

“Are you done?”

“No, I not done. Never done. That Italian not Russian. Does not have our genes. Our pants, you know? The jeans. Not have our history in his blood.”

“Mama, what’s in our blood is a lot of Russian vodka.”

“Yes, devil drink. Fixes and dixes so many Russians, but we are Russian American. American Russians. We marry other American Russians.”

“Unless we fall in love with Italian Americans, then we marry them. Or we marry Hawaiians, like Valerie did.”

“Kai is my new son.” She adores my sister’s husband. “Not this Gino. No and no. He not enough. I see them together and I no see the love.”

I didn’t see it, either. From Ellie to Gino, at least, but not the other way around. Gino loved Ellie. I decided to keep my mouth shut.

My mother whipped the spatula through the air like a lasso. “But she plans a wedding. Me oh my God bless, Mother Mary help me.”

“I like Italian food.”

“Italian food!” My mother gasped. “Italian food? At the wedding of my Elvira? No. Russian food. We have Russian food. If we not have Russian food, I not come.”

“Ellie wants you to come.”

She crossed her arms over her impressive bosom. “No. Not unless Russian food.”

“It will be Russian and Italian food, I heard. A blend.” I tried not to laugh and aggravate my mama

“That not happening.” Fists to air. She looked to the heavens for divine intervention. So dramatic. “It cannot be. I am good Russian mother. I be good to her and now! A Italian. My Elvira choices it. Where went I wrong?”

“Gino is not an it.”

I watched my mother in the kitchen as she yanked out more pans. Four of them. Her pans, cast iron, from my father, are her favorite possession. She cried when he brought them home many years ago, when I was a teenager, as did my father. It wasn’t about the pans. It was about loss, despair, and a promise kept.

My mother, Svetlana, loves to cook, and when she’s stressed she cooks until the stress is gone. The cooking and baking can last for days.

 

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08.27.2016

Summer Reading, A Few More Laughs

Need a book with humor for the last days of summer?

My Very Best Friend: Two best friends, one is missing. A Scottish village. A man in a kilt. Lingerie Bike Riding At Midnight. One small bar fight. Truth.

What I Remember Most: Her name is Grenadine Scotch Wild. Collage Artist. Painter. Former foster child. She doesn’t know what happened to her parents on a dark night in the mountains. She’s about to find out.

The Last Time I Was Me: Jeanne Stewart took revenge on her cheating boyfriend with a condom, an exacto knife and a glue gun. She had a nervous breakdown in front of 834 advertising executives and called them schmucks. Then she started her life over.

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08.17.2016

Publisher’s Weekly And The Language Of Sisters

This interview came out today in Publisher’s Weekly.  In it we talk about my new book, The Language of Sisters, out September 1.

A short summary of the book? Three sisters. One brother. One huge secret.

Spotlight on Cathy Lamb

The bestselling author’s latest novel is a perfect end-of-summer beach read

Cathy Lamb is no stranger to writing about secrets—the kind that, left buried, can tear lives apart. In her latest novel, The Language of Sisters, Lamb explores the bond between the three Kozlovsky sisters, who grew up in Communist Russia before their family immigrated to America. Sharing an intensely close connection—the women can intuit one another’s words, an ability inherited from their mother—they are all haunted by a past their parents had hoped was left behind in Moscow.

Lamb is the author of 10 novels. She said she started writing The Language of Sisters in March 2015 and found inspiration for the book in a number of places. Like her heroine Toni, Lamb is one of three sisters. And, also like Toni—a crime reporter—Lamb is quite familiar with the newspaper business. She freelanced for the Oregonian for years, writing about everything, including people, events, and interior design.

As it happens, Lamb’s journalistic pedigree was put to good use in the writing of this book, which required Lamb to do substantial research. To sketch out the lives of the Kozlovsky clan—whose experiences behind the Iron Curtain are set in flashbacks throughout the novel—Lamb read about Russian history from the 1890s onward. She read up on every Russian czar and president from 1900 to 2000. She also did a lot of research on the KGB, to which her fictional clan has ties.

Beyond the snapshot of Russian history and the country’s recent past, Lamb believes readers will enjoy the lively, extended, and diverse family she has created. Along with Toni and her two sisters—hard-driving prosecutor Valerie, and Ellie, who is about to break her parents’ heart by marrying an Italian—there are the wild and carefree cousins, Tati and Zoya. And there are the four endearing brothers, former boxers, who barely escaped the Soviet Union.

“I hope that people will be able to laugh with the huge family I’ve constructed,” she said.

Lamb also hopes readers will identify with her three central sisters, women—like many she’s written about—who are struggling and facing difficult problems. “Here’s the thing,” Lamb said, “I don’t write about fake women. I don’t write about women who have everything together in their lives. That would be irritating.” Instead, Lamb is interested in what makes these women fallible and human. “No one is perfect, and often the people who are trying the hardest to appear perfect are the ones closest to cracking like an egg. I write about real women leading real lives, with all the mess and complications that entails.”

The Language of Sisters is ultimately a story about family. “It’s about love and forgiveness,” Lamb explained.

“I think life is filled with tears and laughter. I love when my readers write to me and tell me that they laughed out loud while reading my books, and then they cried, then they laughed again. When my readers finish The Language of Sisters, I want the characters, the issues, and the laughter to stay with them. That’s always the goal: to create a story that the reader doesn’t forget.”

Here’s the “real” link. http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/authors/profiles/article/71173-spotlight-on-cathy-lamb.html

 

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08.15.2016

Coyotes Taking Over Poker Games

Let’s pretend that there’s a space alien invasion and we’re all beamed up to beautiful new planets.

Now, most of us would go. We would be INVITED by the space aliens. But, probably not ALL of us. Some of us wouldn’t get an invitation.

Maybe there would be some sort of standard set. Like, mean people couldn’t come. Or people that REALLY irritate you. They would have to stay on Earth.

Anyhow.

My point is this: I wonder how long it would be, if humans were gone, for animals to take over and for the forests and swamps and plants to cover our streets and homes.

In other words, when would civilization disappear in favor of cougars running through the streets like mad men and wild horses galloping through Macy’s looking for the perfect bra?

I ask this because of the two deer in front of my house the other day, that you can see in the photo.

(This is not my house. This is my wonderful neighbor’s house. She is a very smart and kind person and her house looks way better than mine, but one day I aspire to be just like her. It’s just not going to be today, or tomorrow, because my kids are home from school and I am buried in laundry and washing dishes. You know how it is.)

I live in the middle of suburbia. To see deer here is surprising.

These two were walking down the street like they owned it. I do not know what their names are, so don’t ask.

They did seem a tad bit embarrassed. As if they couldn’t BELIEVE they were in the middle of suburbia, and how boring was this, and how did we get so off track, and where the heck is the forest, I’m thirsty and getting cranky, why do you never ask directions? There was a blue jay you could have talked to on the corner, you stubborn mule, and now we’re lost and I’m running out of gas.

Yes, I’m sure that was the conversation they were having.

A few months ago, again in Suburbia Land, a possum the size of a lion walked by my sliding glass door. Well, that’s a lie. It wasn’t the size of a lion, but it was HUGE, I mean, huge.

A walking, slogging white and grey thing that I knew would eat me alive if I scared it. He was not taking any crap, I could tell by the way he walked. He was a woman’s man. No time to talk. (Bee Gees)

Some months before that I had raccoons living under my house. They moved cement blocks and took out a wire screen to get in. I saw them in my backyard. Three of them. They looked straight back at me. They were not scared at all.

They reminded me of three raccoons that came to visit us years ago at our old house. We did not want raccoons in our backyard as our kids were little.

For some reason, Innocent Husband thought that if he let off a firecracker at night, when they were near our deck, this would make the raccoons scramble away in fear.

Oh no. The raccoons LOVED the firework. They were almost clapping they were so happy. They ran closer to the deck, sat back on their bottoms and waited. This was exciting! Their own firework show! Do it again, do it again! Do you guys have popcorn?

We had to call a critter – getter man to come and trap the raccoons and haul them off to the woods. How many did he catch? Six. And there were more. A neighbor later found that the raccoons had built a city under his house. They probably had an unseemly saloon down there. A casino. Boutiques and rib and potato restaurants.

On my walk today I saw a coyote sprinting across the park. I don’t know where he was going but he had to be somewhere quick. Maybe he had a date. Maybe he was in trouble with the Coyote Police.

The Sprinter is not the only coyote in this ole’ neighborhood, either. They howl at night in gangs in the field behind my house, like furry nightmares.

No, if we were all beamed up to new planets it wouldn’t be long before coyotes were running high stakes poker games on our dining room tables, raccoons were taking naps on our beds, and bears were slugging down beer and making fools of themselves at the coyotes’ poker games.

Good thing we’re here to keep everyone in line.

Until the alien invasion I shall continue to enjoy and appreciate these animals living with me in suburbia…from a few steps away.

And no, you may NOT devise a personal list of irritating people who MUST STAY on the planet Earth in the event of an alien invasion. Of COURSE NOT.

(Okay, you each get two people on your “You Have To Stay On Earth” list, but do NOT print their names here, that would be bad.)

Have a lovely day.

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08.09.2016

He Talked To Many Voices

He talked to many voices.

He walked in as I was indulging in my daily drink at Starbucks.

He said, “Can I sit here?”

I said, “Yes, of course,” and he sat down across from me.

His conversation began immediately to the invisible people only he could see and hear. He muttered in a monotone, a quiet voice, as if he was far away.

I listened as I flipped through a book. He chatted with this person, and that, he swore now and then, but not in anger, he laughed, he asked questions, he used hand gestures.

He was very clearly in the midst of a pleasant visit with a group of people who were meeting in his mind.

I was glad, for him, that the voices weren’t causing him pain or anguish or scaring him. That is a heart breaking thing to see.

He seemed like he was happy, engaged, interested, in his imaginary world, at least for that moment in time.

He was fairly clean, leather jacket, boots. I felt no threat from him at all.

But as I listened to him, talking into the air, his brain tragically mis – firing, I thought, “This is someone’s son. He has a mother. He has a father.” I thought about their grief, their incessant worry, their sheer pain raising a son who may well have been “normal” growing up.

He may have played sports, smiled at girls, studied in school and then, something changed.

A flip switched in his mind. A breakdown. A snap.

Then the voices came and lived in this man’s head.

How horrible for him and for his family. How positively terrifying to feel yourself slipping like that, to battle reality vs. what is in your head, who is in your head, taunting you, scaring you, taking YOU away.

Why did it happen? Why him? Why so many people?

Who knows.

But I felt for him, sitting there across from me in Starbucks, I felt for his family. That could have been me. It could have been you. It could have been our kids.

And, maybe it is. Millions of people deal with family members who they love and adore who have a mental illness of some sort. So many people themselves deal with it every single day of their lives.

In a bitter moment, I thought of the billions of dollars we spend on weapons to kill other people, to invade other countries, and I thought of our broken mental health system.

It’s not right.

It isn’t.

We should take good care of each other here in this country and we’re not taking good care of our people with mental illness. Go to any city, any town, anywhere, and you’ll see some of these suffering people, like the man across from me, on the streets.

They do not belong on the streets. They should not be there.

It’s not safe.

Having a mental illness is like having pneumonia in your mind. We treat pneumonia. We need to treat this.

We need to put mental illness at the top of our list. We need to dump more money into research, into medications, into fixing and helping and curing and treating, with inpatient and outpatient care.

And for those who can’t beat it, we need to provide healthy, happy, safe places for them to live so they’re not on the streets, wandering, in danger, prey for criminals.

For the man across from me, talking to people only he could see and hear, a complete cure might not come in time.

But it might.

And that’s what we have to hold onto, hope for, advocate for.

Why?

Because he’s worth it.

He is someone’s son

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08.02.2016

What Kind Of Fresh Hell Is This, Mom?

As Adventurous Singing Daughter would say, “What kind of fresh hell is this, Mom?”

This fresh hell is my latest manuscript. My eleventh novel. Yes, indeedy, it is.

Please note the scissors. Two pairs! And a stapler. Let me staple my forehead to get my brains back inside and working.

It may look like I’m a madwoman. That I’ve finally lost it. That I have thrown the pages of my manuscript into the air and started chopping them up while cackling.

Now the madwoman part might be true. But what you see here are different scenes that have been sliced and diced.

Why?

Sometimes I get real excited about a story line.

I write the whole story line, all at once. Then another story line, all at once. And another. Then they have to be printed out, cut up and re – organized to form a full plot that is not a total and complete wreck.

For example, with The Language of Sisters, out September 1, I wrote most of the full story line of the family’s escape from the Soviet Union before I moved on.

Another story line I wrote pretty much straight through was the adopted brother’s life and where he came from and why he had nightmares about butterflies and wooden ducks and blood.

A third story line was Toni’s relationship with Le Stud on the dock where she lives in a yellow tugboat.

To be quite honest, though, sometimes I don’t want to write a different story line, which is my excuse for writing straight through.

The story line I SHOULD be working on is too tough and makes me feel like whining.

Or, I am confused and baffled by my own story. Sometimes I am sick of my book and sick of myself. Sometimes I want to go and be a butterfly collector in the Amazon and quit being a writer.

But the pages you see now? That’s the book in progress.

Congratulations to me -I now have a bunch of crap.

Yes, the book is crap at this point. It’s terrible. It is. I’m not being modest. It’s a first draft and I know what yuck is and there it is.

People ask why I edit my books 12 times.

I will tell you this: It is because the book is an embarrassment before then. It’s a tangled mess. It’s sad. The book is sad to be that bad and that makes it mad. (See? I can rhyme!!)

I would not let you read it even if you threatened me with a back lashing by rattlesnake.

If I am taken off by a flying dragon, my family has explicit directions to burn the first through seventh drafts of my book in progress rather than let it see the light of day or your sweet eyes.

So back to work I go on this fresh hell.

I’m writing about a secret keeping grandma, a chef who throws chickens, a cook book, and two little girls. The book is out in September, 2017.

There will be a lot of cackling between scenes.

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07.26.2016

Lighting Your Bra On Fire

Need to light your bra on fire? What about your thong?

Henry’s Sisters is now, for the first time, at this very happy moment, out in mass market paperback for $5.80 (Kindle on sale for $4.99).

Here’s part of the first chapter, written in the voice of Isabelle Bommarito:

I would have to light my bra on fire. And my thong.

It is unfortunate that I feel compelled to do this, because I am particular about my bras and underwear.

I spent most of my childhood in near poverty, wearing scraggly underwear and fraying bras held together with safety pins or paper clips, so now I insist on wearing only the truly elegant stuff.

“Burn, bra, burn,” I whispered, as the golden light of morning illuminated me to myself. “Burn, thong, burn.”

I studied the man sprawled next to me under my white sheets and white comforter, amidst my white pillows. He was muscled, tanned, had a thick head of longish black hair, and needed a shave.

He had been quite kind.

I would use the lighter with the red handle!

I envisioned the flame crawling its way over each cup like a fire – serpent, crinkling my thong and turning the crotch black and crusty.

Lovely.

I stretched, pushed my skinny brown braids out of my face, fumbled under the bed, and found my bottle of Kahlua.

I swigged a few swallows as rain splattered on the windows, then walked naked across the wood floor of my loft to peer out. The other boxy buildings and sleek skyscrapers here in downtown Portland were blurry, wet masses of steel and glass.

I have been told that the people in the corporate buildings across the way can see me when I open my window and lean out, and that this causes a tremendous ruckus when I’m nude, but I can’t bring myself to give a rip. It’s my window, my air, my insanity.

My madness.

Besides, after that pink letter arrived yesterday, I needed to breathe. It made me think of my past, which I wanted to avoid, and it made me think of my future, which I also wanted to avoid.

I opened the window, leaned way out, and closed my eyes as the rain twisted through my braids, trickling in tiny rivulets over the beads at the ends, then my shoulders and boobs.

“Naked I am,” I informed myself. “Naked and partly semi sane.”

I did not want to do what that letter told me to do.

No, it was not possible.

I stretched my arms way out as if I were hugging the rain, the Kahlua bottle dangling, and studied myself. I had an upright rack, a skinny waist, and a belly button ring.

When I was drenched, I smiled and waved with both hands, hoping the busy buzzing boring worker bees in the office buildings were getting their kicks and jollies. They needed kicks and jollies.

“Your minds are dying! Your souls are decaying! Get out of there!” I brought the Kahlua bottle to my mouth, then shouted, “Free yourself! Free yourself!”

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07.25.2016

A Stubborn Grandpa

My grandpa had a hole in his nose.

It was a fairly little hole, dark black, on the left side. You couldn’t miss it.

The doctor dug the skin cancer out of Thomas Cecil’s nose and told him to come back and get the hole filled. Who wouldn’t get a hole in their nose filled?

Well now, that would be my grandpa.

He refused to go back in. He didn’t like doctors. He wasn’t quite sure he trusted them and their quackery to begin with and he sure as heck didn’t like their bills.

When he didn’t return, the doctor called and begged him to come back. Offered to fill the hole for free. My grandpa said, “Hell no.”

So the hole in his nose stayed right where it was. To understand his decision, you might need to understand him.

My grandpa grew up poor on a farm in Arkansas. He was one of eleven. There were three wives who all died before his father. After finishing an eighth grade education, he continued the back breaking work on the farm, then he and his brothers took off for Los Angeles and built solid, strong houses.

His childhood was so difficult that he changed his name from Cecil Thomas to Thomas Cecil on the way to Los Angeles. Shed the name, shed the pain.

Thomas Cecil married my nana, Mary Kathleen, and couldn’t stay in one place. By the time my mother was seventeen years old, she’d moved eighteen times. He would buy a house, flip it, and move on.

In the construction business it was boom or bust for them. Sometimes my grandpa made a lot of money building homes. The first thing he did with that pile of cash? He bought an expensive, flashy car.

My mother hated the attention they received riding in those sleek cars. Hated when people turned to point at their car. Hated when he flashed his wealth. My grandpa loved those cars. He wasn’t poor anymore. He wasn’t the farmer’s son with an eighth grade education feeding pigs at dawn and milking cows. He was someone.

But a couple of times, at least, my grandpa went bust. He built homes, the market crashed, and he was left with the homes and a financial disaster. They would be wiped out and the flashy car would go.

He was again that poor, desperate boy on the farm, scratching out a living.

To complicate it further, my grandpa suffered from depression.

Genetics? Maybe. A chemical imbalance? Maybe. His mother died when he was four. Lost in a crush of kids, no mother, maybe it started then. Maybe it started on the farm, poverty hanging like a scythe over the property.

My mother remembered her father’s depression. Remembered how down he would get, how the blackness would cover him.

And yet.

He still worked. Still built homes. Still provided. Still did the best he could do. He worked despite the emotional storm in his head, the thunder and lightning crashing in on him, the claws that were pulling him down.

And that hole in his nose he refused to fix? That tells you a lot about his personality. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him or his nose.

He didn’t like doctors, so he wasn’t going back and that was that.

At the end of his life, cancer eating him alive from decades of smoking, my mother practically had to drag that stubborn, sick man to the hospital. By then it was too late, cancer’s tentacles everywhere. My nana had been dead for years by then, he was terribly lonely, and ready to go.

Thomas Cecil dearly loved his family, his wife, his daughter, and his grandkids. He worked hard, despite the depression that wanted to shut him down and out. He dug his way out of poverty. He saved and sent his daughter to college, something he never had.

And when he lost it all, he went back out and started over, again and again.

My grandpa had a hole in his nose. It is only one of many, many important memories and life lessons I have from him.

*** Photo of my grandpa, nana, oldest sister and me.

 

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Cathy Lamb
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