I am having a very bad cooking week.

This is not unusual.

I don’t like to cook.

I am not very domesticated and have zero talent in the kitchen. This, despite the fact that my late mother, an English teacher, used to bake bread from scratch and make home made plum jelly that would make you think you were eating heaven.

Still, Costco and their ready made meals and I are very good friends. Perhaps a little TOO close.  I do manage to get dinner on the table and none of my children, so far, have starved, though they do whine and complain that there is “nothing to eat” despite a packed pantry.

As a fiction writer, I will now say something bad about women who are cook book writers. Here it is:

I hardly know what to do with them or what to think. There they smile on the covers of their cook books, their hair tamed and brushed, in pretty outfits, not a blackened pan in sight. They wield a wooden cooking spoon, matching red mixing bowls nearby, with a full counter full of delicious meals or desserts in front of them. There is no mention that they just swallowed horse sized tranquilizers to get everything so perfect, so I’m going to assume they didn’t.

The cook book authors say their recipes are “easy” with only 125 ingredients, some of which I don’t even recognize. Perhaps the ingredients are in Latin?

If that were me on the cover of a cook book, my hair would be singed, there would be flour on my boobs, I would have a super pissed off expression on my face, and half the stuff on the counter would be burned.

They don’t have two foot tall fires on the stove like I did a few days ago when I was de – thawing some Chinese meal. They don’t have to get out the fire extinguisher like Tall Son had to. After the fire went out Oldest Daughter said to me, in all seriousness, with a pathetic, begging expression on her sweet face, “Mom, please don’t cook anymore. Please.”

They don’t make toasted cheese sandwiches that are burned on one side and hardly done on the other. They don’t break their blue and white dishes.

My husband says that I cook by fire alarm. As in, when the smoke billows around the room and the fire alarm goes off, that’s when I know to pull the meal out of the oven.

I try not get real personal about my twenty year marriage, so I’ll just say that if my glare could have felled a man, well, my man would have been on the floor, clutching his heart and his crotch and begging for testicular mercy.

Tonight I made a crock pot chicken recipe my sister from Montana gave me for tomorrow night. The whole thing is so simple, but I managed to forget it was cooking and let the whole thing melt in there for six hours, not four.

This was a dumb thing to do as I could smell the chicken and spices. It did not occur to me  to check the timing on it, probably because I was in the midst of writing a hot love scene and forgot about it. (This guy, Josh, is sexy beyond sexy, ladies. I have created him for you.)

In fact, I often forget what’s on the stove because I get lost in my work.  Or in my daydreaming.  This is a problem I acknowledge.

 

 

 

Sometimes my lack of cooking abilities, I will admit, makes me feel like less of a woman. It does. I try to cook, but I just don’t like it, have no patience, and I’m not good at it.

What to do?

Well, that is obvious. I will simply go back to looking at overly done – up women on the covers of cook books and cursing them and their impossible creations. They’re probably on horse sized tranquilizers anyhow.

That should solve the problem nicely. And, if it doesn’t, I will employ a Cathy Rule I learned long ago, in the kitchen: When problems can’t be solved, they should be eaten.

Pass the frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cathy Lamb: Josh, I absolutely loved THE WORLD’S STRONGEST LIBRARIAN.

Here are a few of the reasons why, in no particular order: First, your love of books and your mother’s love of books. I grew up in the same type of household, with a mother who was handing us books when we were still babies.  We all read. It was just what we did, so I related to you from the start.

Second, I appreciated your honesty about your challenges with Tourette’s Syndrome and how you wrote about it with sincerity and humor, and zero self pity.

Third, I liked learning about being Mormon and your faith trajectory, as I would call it. I’m Christian, but have questioned many aspects of my faith from day one, so your thoughtful introspection helped me to do some more thinking.

Fourth, your work as a librarian. I laughed out loud so many times.

Now I’m going to ask you a question instead of being a gushing fan.  Why did you write the book? What was your intent in writing about your life?

Josh Hanagarne: It really happened by accident.  I’d been writing a blog called World’s Strongest Librarian http://worldsstrongestlibrarian.com/  just to keep track of my workouts, because I kept losing my strength training notebooks. Two months into that blog, Seth Godin sent me an email and said “You should be writing a book! I’m sending this to my agent!” forty eight hours later, for no reason whatsoever, I had a literary agent, but no book, not even an idea for a book.

I hate to be bored, and writing a book sounded like an adventure, so away we went. It just took forever to figure out what it might be. I didn’t have any specific intentions except to see what might happen.

For the readers here who don’t know what Tourette’s Syndrome is can you explain it and then tell us what is hardest about having it?

Tourette’s is a neurological condition which causes involuntary vocalizations and/or movements. It kind of feels like needing to sneeze, but all the time, everywhere, in every part of your body. The symptoms are called tics. I have a very extreme case, so the worst parts for me are the pain and injuries in my body, and the relentless challenges of being in public but not being able to control the noises I make or what my body does.

One of my favorite passages, “I learned that I could alter the speed of certain tics with some success. Especially with the big whiplash tics, this was a revelation. Sometimes having tics at half speed released me from the urges. That would save huge amounts of wear and tear.”

At the end of the book, you seemed to have gained a great deal of control over the Tourettes, and then you seemed to back track a bit. How are you now?

Worse than ever. I’m thirty six years old and it’s so much worse than it was at any time I described during the book. And it seems to be worsening every day. Not sure what to say about that besides it really sucks and I’ll grind my teeth and keep going.

I’m sorry to heart that, I truly am.

I’m sure you have been inundated with questions from parents of kids with Tourette’s.  What are a few pieces of advice that you offer them?

All kids need the same things. They need to feel loved and safe and they need help finding whatever they can be good at. Kids with Tourette’s need those things, but it often takes the shape of parents learning about the disorder, being patient, and helping the child learn how to talk about the condition so it can be explained as needed.

When did you start writing THE WORLD’S STRONGEST LIBRARIAN, how long did it take, and how did you write it? For example, did you brainstorm, outline, organize, did you set daily word count goals, how many times did you edit it?

It took about four years in one way or another. The story kept changing. Then we’d submit a proposal that would go nowhere and have to retool based on feedback. I’m not really an outliner or a word count person. I love to write and look forward to it every day.

With the nature of Tourette’s, I’m rarely capable of sitting still long enough to write for more than fifteen minutes a day. Sometimes that would get me 1000 words, sometimes it would get me 100. My goal was simply to write every day and keep my fingers moving. I learned that I have to make a huge mess before I can clean it up. I don’t ask myself editorial questions on the fly.

I went through eight drafts myself, and three with the editor who bought the book.

I loved this sentence, “Whenever the teenagers are quiet, I assume it’s because they’re impregnating each other.” What are your top three reasons for being a librarian?

These probably aren’t my top three, but if you can count, you’ll concede that these are, at the very least, three reasons:

1. I’m not well-suited to anything else
2. I love the library’s mission – fight ignorance and promote curiosity and literacy
3. It’s fun

I know this question might be hard because you’re a book addict, but I must ask you for your top five favorite books EVER.

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy

Catch 22 by Joseph Heller

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

Moby Dick by Herman Melville

Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

How much are you currently dead lifting and bench pressing now? How many hours are you in the gym per week? (Readers: Josh is six foot seven.) 

Not sure about deadfliting; I don’t test maxes. I know I can deadlift 525 pounds for a set of 15, so my upper limit would probably be in the 600 range. I don’t really bench press much, so I have no idea. I don’t think I’ve ever benched more than 350, and almost certainly couldn’t do that now.

I usually lift three times a week for 20-40 minutes. If I’m watching TV I might work do some additional work on my hands while I’m vegging.

Your story is very personal. Were there challenges in that regard?

Yes. When you spend this much time thinking about yourself, you learn who you are. When you start turning over the rocks you don’t get to choose what’s under them. I learned to love and hate myself in ways that I never would have suspected were possible, prior to the book.

How have your family members and friends reacted to the book?

With wonderful positivity and support.

THE WORLD’S STRONGEST LIBRARIAN is so popular. How has it changed your life?

Ha! I wish that popularity translated to more sales! My life is still the same in most ways. Forty hours a week at the library. Family. Lifting and books. But I also get to go speak and meet people like Stephen King and have experiences that never would have presented themselves without the book.

More than anything, I like to meet people. Anyone. Everyone. And this book has put me in rooms with thousands of fine folks that I probably never would have met otherwise. I love that.

What are you writing now?

About to turn in the next non-fiction book. I’ll keep the subject to myself, but will give you the first line:

The French have a saying, but I can’t remember what it is, so we’ll speak no more of the French.

I love it. Can’t wait to buy it. Thanks for the interview, Josh. Happy writing and happy reading. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cathy Lamb: Your book, The Rosie Project, was one of my favorite books of the year, probably of my whole life. I so enjoyed it. I read it on my kindle, then bought it for my son.

Graeme Simsion: Well, many thanks! It’s great to see something I’ve created giving so much pleasure to readers.

I actually read your book when I should have been working on mine! 

Readers are always curious about authors. At least, I always am. So, can you tell us about yourself? Where you live, your job, interests, hobbies…

I live in Melbourne Australia. My original career was in information technology, and I built up a consulting business which I sold when I decided I wanted to be a writer. I kept consulting and doing seminars on a freelance basis until December, 2012 when international sales of The Rosie Project allowed me to become a full-time writer. Hobbies? Who has time for hobbies? I enjoy things that fit around my writing life – travel, food and wine, reading. My wife and I walked 1250 miles from central France to Santiago in Spain in 2010.

That sounds like a very long walk. I hope you were able to sample excellent wine along the way. (Although not TOO much wine, as that could have made walking difficult.)

For those who have not yet read The Rosie Project (and you should!!) tell us about Don Tillman.

Don’s a 39-year-old professor of genetics who’s a little (OK, a lot) socially challenged. His life is well-organised, productive and just fine – except he wants a partner.  Dating hasn’t been a big success so far, but now that he’s constructed a 32-page questionnaire to select the perfect partner, that’s under control too.

Don has Asperger’s but doesn’t appear to know it, though he’s clearly brilliant.  He even gives a lecture to children with Asperger’s and their parents and studies it extensively. Yet you never let him get to a place of deep introspection and self – analysis so he could acknowledge it. Why was that?

For a long time I avoided the question of whether Don has Asperger’s – not just in the book, but when asked in interviews. I didn’t read up on Asperger’s to invent Don; I based him on people I’d met in IT and academe, none of whom had been diagnosed with Asperger’s (the diagnosis wasn’t really around until the mid 1990s, and those guys were already adults and doing well enough not to seek help.) But the general consensus from the Asperger’s community is that Don is one of them!

The people who inspired Don frequently don’t seek diagnosis. I recall Autism expert Temple Grandin being quoted as saying that half of Silicon Valley is made up of people with Asperger’s avoiding diagnosis like the plague.

So Don avoids confronting that question – at least at first. Later in the book, there is a moment where he ponders the advantages of a diagnosis and lets us know that it’s at least crossed his mind.

I also found, in workshopping an early short story I wrote to ‘work up’ the Don character, that labeling him with Asperger’s shifted the readers’ focus from Don the person to Asperger’s  the syndrome.  I wasn’t writing about textbook Asperger’s: I was writing about a person who had it.

Don’s goal is to find a wife. He says, “There is something about me that women find unappealing. I have never found it easy to make friends, and it seems that the deficiencies that caused this problem have also affected my attempts at romantic relationships.”

I think a lot of people feel like this – certainly not just people with Asperger’s. I could certainly relate to him. Was that deliberate on your part as a writer – forming a bridge from him to us?

I often write on books I’m signing, especially for men: “There’s a bit of Don in all of us.” In fact, when I workshopped that first short story, one woman said “Asperger’s? He’s just a bloke.’  I see Don first as a fellow human being, second (or fourteenth!) as having Asperger’s. So he shares problems, desires, insecurities with all of us. Some of the Asperger’s characteristics are simply stronger forms of attributes we all have to some extent – social awkwardness, discomfort with uncertainty, need for our own space. The desire for connection which drives the story is close to universal, and so too the fear that we will not find it. 

The first paragraph of the book caught me immediately, “I may have found a solution to the Wife Problem. As with so many scientific breakthroughs, the answer was obvious in retrospect. But had it not been for a series of unscheduled events, it is unlikely I would have discovered it.” 

Don is trying to combine finding a wife and science. Is there a link do you think?  Or is there only a link for Don?

We use what we have! To a child with a hammer, everything looks like a nail, and to Don Tillman every problem looks like a science problem. Everyone who signs up for internet dating and fills out a list of what they’re looking for, or who tells a friend that they want a partner with a good sense of humor who likes wine is applying a bit of science to shift the odds in their favor. Don is just taking it a bit further.

Often in books, the best friend is a lot of fun.  He or she offers humor, distraction, and lovability, so to speak. But Don’s best friend, Gene, is a real rat in some ways, especially in his goal, as a married man, to sleep with one woman from every country on the globe.

I thought it was a clever twist on the best friend angle. What was your goal in creating Gene, especially in terms of his relationship with Don?

The best friend is a classic way of externalizing the protagonist’s thoughts – Don tells Gene rather than us what he’s thinking. For obvious reasons, it’s used a lot in movies. In my earliest drafts, Gene was two people – the bad-advice-philanderer and the good-advice-lab manager. By combining them, I got a more complex character.  Gene is also the dark side of Don – what Don might have become if he’d mastered the surface skills of social interaction without developing real empathy.

I found Don’s list of requirements for a wife to be so entertaining. He does not want a woman who wears make up or jewelry and her appearance is not relevant, which is the complete opposite for most men out there trying to find a partner. He also wants to weed out the “time wasters, the disorganized, the ice cream discriminators, the crystal gazers, the fashion obsessives, the religious fanatics, the vegans, the creationists, the illiterate…” 

He does not seem to be looking for someone to love, though, or to be passionate about.   He’s looking for a partner. From your perspective, is this true?

I think Don is looking for someone to love, but he (a) doesn’t know quite what that means and (b) can’t specify what that person might look like beyond ‘someone like me.’ But I’d suggest that the loving relationships that last are those where a partnership grows to supplant that original infatuation or limerence. Indeed, Don and Rosie’s bond develops through a ‘joint project’ – doing things together rather than some instant attraction.

I loved Rosie because she was so blunt, often rude, intelligent, emotional and temperamental…and because she saw the good in Don. Was it your intent from the first to draw a character who was the complete opposite of Don? 

Not from the first! The story was originally The Klara Project and Klara was an obvious choice for Don – if only he could see it. I rewrote it with a character who was superficially the opposite to what Don wanted. She’s not the complete opposite deep down! She’s a bit of a loner herself, a researcher, a quirky dresser and she  ‘gets’ him from the start.

I felt that you accurately portrayed how challenging it could be to be in a relationship with someone with Asperger’s. How did you research this part of the book?

25 years working in information technology and meeting colleagues’ partners! Seriously, I simply drew on real life, sometimes just exaggerating things that happen in all relationships because men in particular are emotionally unaware, literal, problem / solution focused, etc.

Ah, yes. There does seem to be a slight difference between men and women….

How did you write the book? Did you draw the character first and jump into a first draft? Did you outline the story? Did you set daily word count goals? How many times did you edit it? How long did it take to write? And, with a full time job, how did you find the time to write it? 

The Don Tillman character and his search for a partner came first and drove everything. Almost everything else change over the five years I worked on the story, which for a long time was a screenplay rather than a novel.

I don’t try to write every day – progress is not just words on a page. Sometimes I’m outlining, sometimes working on a plot problem, sometimes thinking about a character, sometimes re-writing, sometimes thinking creatively about what could be different or better.

When I’m actually writing, I often go fast – several thousand words a day with limited breaks.

When I had a full-time job, I wrote (using that word broadly to mean ‘worked on the story’) in the gaps between assignments – when I could. I didn’t watch TV.

I know you’re an expert in data modeling and in information systems. How did your background help, or perhaps challenge, the writing of The Rosie Project?

More than you (or your readers) might expect. My approach to writing is strongly informed by my background in information technology and a PhD in design theory – plus my screenwriting studies. I outline first, and don’t write until I have an outline, but understand the outline may change. I treat creativity as something that can be managed and work hard on making as much of what I do conscious rather than relying on magic.

I did a TedX talk on this (it’s online) a little while ago.

The Rosie Project is an international best seller, as you well know. How has writing The Rosie Project changed your life?

Yes. I’m a full-time writer, I’m doing something I love but never thought I was capable of, I have a chance to communicate with people all over the world. The financial thing is not such a big deal but it does mean I can devote myself fully to my writing career.

What are you working on now?

A sequel to The Rosie Project. I’m also the screenwriter for the movie version of Rosie which has been optioned to Sony Pictures. And I always have a couple of short stories in the pipeline.

I cannot wait to see The Rosie Project on screen.  I will anxiously await to see who plays Don.  I can’t help but think of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory…

Thanks for your time, and happy writing. 

                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Julia’s Chocolates, published in 2007, was the first novel I ever sold. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was when my agent called and said he’d sold it to Kensington Books in NYC.

When I was taking writing classes and desperately trying to publish, I was told that you should “write what you know.” I thought then, and now, that that was terrible advice. What did I know about anything? Not much.

I had been a fourth grade teacher. I was an at – home, exhausted mommy with three kids who freelanced articles for The Oregonian on homes, decor, and people. I did a lot of laundry and tried to keep the house clean and my mind sane. I was a lousy cook and totally undomesticated.

I had a crazy imagination and had tried to write category romance and failed miserably. I slept about five to six hours a night as I regularly wrote from ten p.m. until two in the morning.

So I flipped the “write what you know” advice. I decided to write about what I didn’t know.

What I didn’t know a thing about was what it would be like to have a lousy mother. My mother, Bette Jean, was a kind, compassionate, smart woman. She was an English teacher at my middle school, then my high school.

Bette Jean was the daughter of a Texas southern belle who had lost both parents (one dead, one who ran off) by the time she was four years old, and a poor farmer’s son with an eighth grade education from Arkansas who went west to Los Angeles to build homes.

My mother moved eighteen times by the time she left home at seventeen, as her father was flipping houses. It built within her a life long understanding of what it felt like to be left out, to be the outsider.

She met my father, who had flown jets for the Navy, at UCLA, where he was majoring in engineering, specializing in nuclear engineering. They married when she was twenty one.

Bette Jean was lovely and my very best friend.

The mother in Julia’s Chocolates is exactly opposite from my mother in every single way. After I created the mother, I created Julia, her daughter, and gave her a wild, free thinking, fun Aunt Lydia. Aunt Lydia is the aunt I would have loved to have myself.

Aunt Lydia painted her house pink “like a vagina,” with a black door to “ward off seedy men.” Aunt Lydia had five concrete pigs in her front yard and she hung a sign on each one with the name of a man she couldn’t stand. She had a rainbow bridge on her front lawn and toilets overflowing with flowers.

I had my three main characters, then I added three more ladies, Lara, Katie, and Caroline. Lara was married to a loving, stud – man minister and had squashed herself into being the perfect minister’s wife, because that’s what she thought she should do. She was a closet artist and she was miserable.

Katie was a mother married to a raving alcoholic.

Caroline was psychic. I thought a magical element would be entertaining.

I had my story. I wrote my heart out.

If you read Julia’s Chocolates, I hope you love it, I really do.

 

 

Julia’s Chocolates

Chapter One

I left my wedding dress hanging in a tree somewhere in North Dakota.

I don’t know why that particular tree appealed to me. Perhaps it was because it looked as if it had given up and died years ago and was still standing because it didn’t know what else to do.  It was all by itself, the branches gnarled and rough, like the top of someone’s knuckles I knew.

I didn’t even bother to pull over as there were no other cars on that dusty tw0 – lane road, which was surely an example of what hell looked like: You came from nowhere; you’re going nowhere. And here is your only decoration: a dead tree.

Enjoy your punishment.

The radio died, and the silence rattled through my brain. I flipped up the trunk and was soon covered with the white fluff and lace and flounce of what was my wedding dress. I had hated it from the start, but he had loved it.

Loved it because it was high collared and demure and innocent. Lord, I looked like a stuffed white cake when I put it on.

The sun beat down on my head as I stumbled to the tree and peered through the branches to the blue sky tunneling down at me in triangular rays. The labyrinth of branches formed a maze that had no exit. If you were a bug that couldn’t fly, you’d be stuck.  You’d keep crawling and crawling, desperate to find your way out, but you never would. You’d gasp your last tortured breath in a state of utter confusion and frustration, and that would be that.

Yes, another representation of hell.

The first time I heaved the dress up in the air, it landed right back down on my head. And the second time, and the third, which simply increased my fury. I couldn’t even get rid of my own wedding dress.

My breath caught in my throat, my heart suddenly started to race, and it felt like the air had been sucked right out of the universe, a sensation I had become more and more familiar with in the last six months.

I was under the sneaking suspicion that I had some dreadful disease, but I was too scared to find out what it was, and too busy convincing myself I wasn’t suicidal to address something as pesky as that.

My arms were weakened from my Herculean efforts and the fact that I could hardly breathe.  My freezing cold hands started to shake.

I thought the dress was going to suffocate me, the silk cloying, clinging to my face. I finally gave up and lay face down in the dirt. Someone, years down the road, would stop their car and lift up the pile of white fluff and find my skeleton. That is, if the buzzards didn’t gnaw away at me first. Were there buzzards in North Dakota?

Fear of the buzzards, not of death, made me roll over. I shoved the dress aside and screamed at it, using all the creative swear words I knew.  Yes, I thought, my body shaking, I am losing my mind.

Correction: Mind already gone.

Sweat poured off my body as I slammed my dress repeatedly into the ground, maybe to punish it for not getting caught in one of the branches. Maybe to punish it for even existing. I finally slung the dress around my neck like a noose and started climbing the dead tree, sweat droplets teetering off my eyelashes.

The bark peeled and crumbled, but I managed to get up a few feet, and then I gave the white monstrosity a final toss. It hooked on a tiny branch sticking out like a witch’s finger.

The over sized bodice twisted and turned, the long train, now sporting famous North Dakota dirt, hung toward the parched earth like a snake.

I tried to catch my breath, my heart hammering on high speed as tears scalded my cheeks, no doubt trekking through lines of dirt.

I could still hear the dressmaker, “Why on earth do you want such a high neckline?” she had asked, her voice sharp. “With a chest like that, my dear, you should show it off, not cover up!”

I had looked at my big bosoms in her fancy workroom, mirrors all around. They heaved up and down under the white silk as if they wanted to run. The bosoms were as big as my buttocks, I knew, but at least the skirt would cover those.

Robert Stanfield III had been clear. “Make sure you get a wide skirt. I don’t want you in one of those slinky dresses that’ll show every curve. You don’t have the body for that, Turtle.”

He always called me Turtle. Or Possum. Or Ferret Eyes. If he was mad he called me Cannonball Butt.

Although I can understand the size of my butt – that came from chocolate eating binges – I had never understood my bosoms. They had spouted out, starting in fifth grade and had kept growing and growing. By eighth grade I had begged my mother for breast reduction surgery. She was actually all for it, but that was because all of her boyfriends kept starting at me. Or touching. Or worse.

The doctor, of course, was appalled and said no. And here I was, thirty four years old, with these heaving melons still on me. Note to self: One, get money. Two, get rid of the melons.

 

 

When I was about 15 years old, I read a book called Touch The Wind.  It was by Janet Dailey, a romance writer, who died yesterday in Branson, Missouri.

Touch The Wind was a smokin’ hot love story, set in Mexico, and it about popped my young eyes out.

Perhaps I should write what is on the front cover page to show you what Touch The Wind was all about…

“HE WAS RAFAGA….Whose gun fed a hungry people…whose passion fed a woman’s hungering heart…A man as proud and fierce as the lions that roamed his mountain retreat.

SHE WAS SHEILA…As cool, beautiful, and unyielding as the modern towers that stood as bastions of the fortune that would one day be hers.  Now she was Rafaga’s captive prize, held for a ransom in gold, struggling against the fire he set in her blood. She called her captor every name, and lived to take back all but one: Lover.”

I know, QUIT LAUGHING. It was bodice – ripping dramatic, but the drama hit me in my young, throbbing, hopeful heart. Rafaga was a sexy, strong stud. I was a tall, skinny, gangly, awkward girl and the thought of romance in my life, well, that dang near took my breath away. I lived through Sheila, Rafaga’s “woman.”

I remember every inch of this plot.  Reading it today, I would see Rafaga as abusive, domineering, too controlling, and with a serious lack of humor.  He would have to be in counseling for a long, long time. But I put reality aside a lot at fifteen, and I did it when I read Touch The Wind.

I am sure that this book had a huge impact on my wanting to be a writer. Other books, as a child and as a teenager, had a huge impact, too: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Pippi Longstocking, the Beezus and Ramona books, and writing for my high school newspaper.

Being a daydreamer, playing outside all the time, and having a mother who encouraged a wild imagination were hugely helpful, too.

But this book set the ground work for romance in my books.

In March of 2013, I had a short story published called, “The Apple Orchard,” in an anthology titled, “You’re Still The One,” with Janet Dailey.

It was about an apple orchard, an abusive father, a trailer park, apple pies, a long lost love and two painful secrets.

I was thrilled to be in the same book as Janet. I wrote to her, never heard back, and was not offended. I am sure she received thousands of emails a week.

But if someone had told me when I was a rebellious, insecure fifteen year old that one day I would grow up and have a story in a book with Janet’s name on it, I would have laughed till I wet my pants. That was out of the realm of my daydreaming.

And yet, it happened.  I can’t tell you how surreal it was.

I was sorry to hear of her death yesterday and hope that she had a beautiful life. She certainly brought beauty, and romance, and a lot of fun, to mine.

 

 

 

 

 

1. Jail is extremely unpleasant. (Don’t ever commit a crime, Cathy, I mean it! You won’t look good in blue scrubs marked JAIL, you don’t like being told what to do, which is going to be a real problem with your temper, and the lighting is poor.)

2. The FBI is very helpful. When agents call back to offer help, they do not give their last names. This is mysterious! I like mystery! I should have been an FBI agent. Then I could have worn a trench coat and dark glasses.

3. The US Attorneys office has serious (and very cool) employees who answer all questions seriously.

4. Case workers for foster care kids are overworked and underpaid. That we pay people who play basketball a thousand times more than we pay these people is asinine, and completely in line with ridiculous pay scales for certain jobs in this country.

5. Being homeless is degrading, humiliating, and soul crushing. Living in a car is dangerous. I would prefer not to do it.

5. Being an artist is fun! I want to be an artist! (Must learn how to draw more than stick figures and hearts.)

6. Tall, dark, and handsome still rocks it. (I’ll give you a hint, ladies, on THE MAN, in my next book: His name is Kade. He’s smokin’.)

7. When I write through the eyes of a scary person I scare myself. I would make a horrible horror writer.

8. Some story lines are enormous. One must not cut down story lines just because one would rather laze around and drink coffee and eat chocolate no matter how bad the temptation.

9. Being in pajamas until three in the afternoon is never glamorous, this I have known, but my problem with this book was how little I cared.

10. Daydreaming is so healthy. Dream on!

11. (Extra credit answer. I used to be a teacher.) I still love writing.

 

PHOTOGRAPH INFO: My sister’s horses came to greet me when I visited them in Montana…my sister’s cat, Marvin…the view from her home…

 

 “Mom’s on that talk show, Four o’Clock with Chloe and Charles.” Lacey walked into my office. Tory and I had actually been trying on new lingerie that we hoped would sell well. She was in purple, I was in light pink.

Lacey stopped, hands on her hips. “Both of you are so pretty you make me sick. Your stomachs are flat, you have skinny hips.  Look at me.” She spread her arms out. “I think I have three babies in there and one in my butt.” She turned on the TV. “Let’s see what outrageous things Mom has to say today.”

Tory said, “What am I going to learn from the world’s greatest sexpert today?” We sat on the couch together.  Hanging out in lingerie is something the three of us have done since we were teenagers.

The hosts, Chloe and Charles, were like Barbie and Ken. Plastic. Overly groomed. Blinding white teeth. Cheshire cat smiles.

“Brianna,” Chloe said, “people say you are the best sex educator in the country.”

“Thank you, Chloe, that’s lovely to hear.” Our mother was dressed in a bold, clingy purple dress and red heels, her curls pushed off her face and down her back.

“You’ve taught all of us a lot about … sex.” Chloe was an uptight blonde. She did not look like she would enjoy sex.

“Sex is a natural and normal part of life. So are orgasms, which is what we’re going to talk about today.” Our mother grinned, so innocent.

The audience clapped and hooted.

Chloe visibly cringed.  “We are?” She shuffled through her paperwork. No! No way! That couldn’t be the topic. “Who told you – “

“I didn’t think that was on our agenda…” Charles said, alarmed, but smiling gamely. “I don’t think we’re allowed to say that O word…”

“Charles is a blow hard,” Tory said. “Looks like he’s talking with his balls in his mouth.”

“Thank you for the graphic, Tory,” I said.

“He does look like that,” Lacey mused. “Those chipmunk cheeks…”

“A good question is, how do you know that a man or a woman will be your perfect orgasmic match?” my mother asked, overriding both of them. “It’s quite simple: Look for qualities in their personality that would transfer well to an orgasm.  Are they thoughtful? Protective? Giving and generous? Is there a desire there to please you? Do they love and care about you? Are they confident and adventurous? Passionate, humorous? Or, are they critical, selfish, narcissistic, egotistic, overly macho, rigid, boring, non – reflective? If so, you’re going to be non orgasmic. A non – match.”

“She is so blunt,” Lacey said.

“She’s right though,” I said.

“Scotty always did it for me,” Tory said. “Always. I never missed an orgasm. He always had me go first. Ladies first.”

“Not having orgasms in life will dry you up,” our delicate, Southern bellish mother said. “It will not only dry up your vagina, it will dry up your mind, your soul, your creativity, your joy, your sense of vitality and spirit.  Sex is not fun without orgasms, can we all say that aloud?”

The audience tittered as my mother turned to them.

“Don’t be embarrassed! Let’s be truthful, let’s be honest, people. Say it with me, ‘Sex is not fun without orgasms.’”

The audience dutifully said, “Sex is not fun without orgasms,” then laughed.  “One more time!” my mother encouraged. The audience repeated themselves, this time with more gusto.  The camera panned their faces. Oh, this was fun! Brianna was fun!

“We women might say to ourselves, well, I do still enjoy sex even without the orgasm because I like the closeness. But that’s bull (bleep!).” Our mother waved a finger. “That isn’t true and the woman is deceiving herself.  She must tell her man what she needs in order to achieve orgasm. She has to gather her womanly courage together.”

Chloe and Charles wriggled uncomfortably. The censors!

“Now, here is what not to do. One of my clients had not had an orgasm in two years and she was absolutely furious with her husband for not noticing it. He was blind to her and her successful sexual health, so one night, when he’s done and rolls off she picks up a broom and starts hitting him with it.  She actually chased him around the house, screaming that she hadn’t had an orgasm in two years and he hadn’t noticed or cared. Don’t do this. What she should have done?”

Next came a surprise.

“She should have told him to keep going until she had her orgasm,” Chloe said, with a snarky snip to her voice. “What, it’s only for him? Get your kicks in and go to sleep? She should have told him to man up, put some effort in, and get the job done. She’s not a plastic blow up doll. She’s a woman!” As soon as the words were out, Chloe looked like she wanted to melt into the floor and disappear.

Charles said, “But he would never forget the broom incident, so that’s good, right Brianna?”

“She should have told him what to do to make her have an orgasm,” my mother said.  “She should have sat him down at the kitchen table and, using a banana and a circular rind of orange peel, a cherry and an olive, showed him. Then she should have led him to the bedroom for his first lesson. It’s partly her fault for being spineless and not speaking up, demanding her orgasm, and it’s partly his fault for being a selfish monkey and bad in bed.”

“A selfish monkey!” Charles said, then laughed, a tiny and scratchy laugh.

“You notice when your wife has an orgasm, right, Charles?” My mother turned to him in her clingy purple dress.

Charles blushed. “Uh, oh yeah. Yeah. I know. She makes it…uh…clear.”

My mother looked at him skeptically. That would be the word: Skeptically.

Tory said, “He’s a hopeless fool, obsessed with his pecker and his pleasure.”

Lacey said, “Clueless.  Totally clueless.”

I said, “Arrogantly ignorant. The worst type.”

“Charles you need to take more time with your wife,” my mother said. “Remember: Foreplay. But you need foreplay before the foreplay. Nothing is sexier than a man vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher, unless he’s doing both nude.  Let me be bold and blunt. Most women will take bad sex for only a certain amount of time, then they’ll turn off and tune out.  You men won’t be getting laid much anymore. She’ll have her excuses, like a headache or fatigue, but basically, she doesn’t like sex with you.  You men have to pay attention to the orgasm. You do that, don’t you, Charles? It’s not all about you, right?”

Charles went pale, then red. “I pay attention! I do! Good attention!”

“See, an orgasm is not simply a culmination of the sex. It’s the pinnacle of the relationship in bed. There can be multiple orgasms, multiple small ones, then a larger one, or a large orgasm. It will be different each time, but what there can’t be is no orgasm.”

“Charles looks like he wants to choke on his chipmunk cheeks,” I said.

“Yep he does…” Tory said. “He’s reviewing his last encounter and is probably realizing that he was lame in bed.”

“No orgasm,” my mother said, “is bad.” She turned to the audience. “We don’t want to be bad in bed, do we?”

“No!” the audience said.

Charles swallowed hard, eyes darting. Chloe looked pissed.

“Sex is not fun without an orgasm, right, audience?”

“Right!” the audience said back to her. Fun fun, Brianna!

“Right!” Chloe said. She glared at the camera.

“I know we’re running out of time, but if I can add that lingerie does make bedroom time special time,” my mother said. “A woman is much more likely to orgasm if she feels fabulous. Take a peek at the lingerie I have on under my dress.”

My mother stood up, unsnapped her purple dress, yanked it wide open, stuck out a hip and a knee, and smiled. She was in a red bustier, red lacy underwear and a matching gauzy mini skirt. The audience went wild at this semi – flashing.

Chloe’s mouth dropped. Charles fidgeted.

“My mother owns a lingerie business called Lace, Satin and Baubles. This is from the Tory’s Temptations line.  See how this bustier lifts the girls right up? See how there’s a skirt to cover the tops of the thighs, isn’t the top of the thigh a problem place for women?”

“Yes!” the audience shouted back to her.

“Note the color. Bright red.  Flirty. Naughty. And don’t forget the heels. They give you a sleek and curvy line and we feel powerful in our heels, don’t we, ladies?”

“Yes!” the audience agreed, even the men.

She put her purple dress back together. “Now, the next time I’m on your show I’m going to talk about sex toys, but let me leave you with this, an orgasm a day keeps you ready for play! Can we say that audience?”

“An orgasm a day keeps you ready for play!” We love you, fun Brianna!

“Ladies and gentlemen…our favorite sex therapist, Brianna O’Rourke,” Chloe announced, smiling and clapping. Charles was still blushing, but he appeared contemplative, baffled, confused.

The audience was on their feet.

Tory, in her purple lingerie, Lacey in her maternity dress, and I in my pink lingerie, sat back and cackled.

“I love you, Mother!” Lacey said, blowing a kiss to the screen.

As if on cue, our mother kissed her hand and blew a kiss to the audience, waving her hand.

She does that every time and you know who the kiss is for?

Lacey, Tory and I.

We blew a kiss back to her.

Tory’s Temptations sold thousands.

Gave us more time.

Fellow Oregon author, Kristina McMorris, has a new book out titled, The Pieces We Keep. The premise of it is absolutely fascinating.  But first…let’s get to know Kristina a bit and she can tell you herself why she wears blue wigs.

Cathy Lamb: Tell us about yourself and your life.

Kristina McMorris: Let’s see… I’m a married mom of two boys, ages 7 and 10, whom I’ve successfully brainwashed into loving classic movies like The Sound of Music, as well as nostalgic tunes, among their favorites being “Pennies from Heaven” and “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” As a native of Portland, Oregon, I don’t mind the rain a bit and am not even sure I own an umbrella. As for my heritage, I’m of Irish and Japanese descent, a confusing mix that should explain a lot about me.

I don’t think that people outside of Oregon know that unless you’re standing on a soccer field in a downpour, umbrellas are just not cool here. We prefer hoods. Or, we let the rain come on down and tell ourselves it makes our skin look younger.  So thanks for sharing one of our Oregon quirks!

Now tell us three things you don’t share with people at, say, a dinner party.

1. I organize the hanging clothes in my closet by color and alphabetize our family’s DVDs. (Contrary to my husband’s stance, it is not a compulsion, but a matter of efficiency.)

2. I’m one of those annoying people who starts playing Christmas music on the first day of November.

3. Based on my heart rate in the womb, a doctor predicted I would be a boy; so until I was born, I was supposed to be named Benjamin, specifically so my mom could call me “Benji.” Yes, like the dog.

 Oh, please come and help me with my closet!  And I’m not here to make fun of you and your DVD compulsion. No one is, Kristina. We’re with ya on this. 

But back to writing.

I have to stick to my writing goals or I’ll go out and play all day.  I suffer from I Would Rather Play Than Work disease. Tell us how you write your books. Do you outline? Do you set writing goals? Word count goals? Editing goals? In short, how do you get your books done? Would you rather play some days? 

Given how much I hate writing a first draft, on most days before the revision/polish stage (which I love), I’m very good at finding a zillion ways to procrastinate. This makes the great time suck that is Facebook both my best friend and worst enemy.

Still, I do my best to write 5 or 6 fresh pages each weekday while my kids are at school. (This, I realize, is super slow compared to many authors, but I tend to edit heavily as I go.) And yes, I do keep a general outline from the beginning, in the form of a foam-core board covered in small, multi-colored Post-its. Each one represents a different chapter with a few notes indicating the purpose of the scene. For The Pieces We Keep, this was essential in keeping the mystery elements and alternating timelines straight.

 That cork board sounds so organized. I tend to write by the seat of my pants and then my characters talk back to me in my imagination and cause all sorts of problems. I think I should invest in a cork board…

Now why writing? Have you always wanted to be a writer?

I wish! If so, I would’ve had much less catching up to do over the past eight years. The truth of the matter is, I had no intention of becoming a creative writer until I discovered my grandparents WWII courtship letters, which inspired my debut novel, Letters from Home. Before then, I’d worked as a PR/Marketing Director for a decade and owned a wedding- and event-planning company. (If I never see another Chicken Dance or YMCA performance in my life, it wouldn’t be too soon!) The latter also led me to hosting a weekly TV show for the WB called Weddings Portland Style. It was actually a natural fit, since I’d started hosting weekly shows for an ABC affiliate when I was nine. (I often joke that my claim to fame is being among the few kid actors who didn’t end up in rehab.)  J

Give us a peek at your latest book, The Pieces We Keep. What’s it about?

Inspired by true accounts, The Pieces We Keep is about a young boy, whose violent, recurrent night terrors uncover family secrets that trace back to WWII. The story is comprised of love and tragedy, Nazi saboteurs in America, and even a secret military tribunal convened by FDR.

To learn more about it, here’s a brief video about the book:

www.tinyurl.com/TPWK1

You have to tell everyone here about Letters From Home. What a love story!

Aww, thank you! Letters from Home features a Midwestern infantryman who, in the midst of WWII, falls deeply in love through a yearlong letter exchange—unaware that the girl he’s writing to isn’t the one replying. Beyond that, the story follows the wartime journeys of three female friends as their lives change dramatically as a result of romance, tragedy, and deception.

As I mentioned earlier, the story was inspired by my grandparents’ courtship. Just a handful of years ago, I was interviewing my grandmother for the biographical section of a homemade cookbook, intended as a Christmas gift for the family. That’s when she shared how she and my late grandfather had only dated twice during the war, before an exchange of letters led them into a marriage that lasted until he passed away fifty years later. She then pulled from her closet every letter he had sent to her, all heartfelt messages from a young sailor who didn’t know if he’d ever be coming home.

When I left her house, I started to wonder how well two people could truly know each other through letters alone. What if the words on those pages weren’t entirely truthful? It was this idea that ultimately led me to sit down and try my hand at a novel.

 What advice would you give to aspiring writers?

I’d say, when it comes to constructive criticism, lower your defenses and listen with open ears, but treat feedback like a cafeteria line: pick and choose what works for you. I think every writer, when coming from a place of truth, possesses a distinct voice, a way they see the world. With this in mind, don’t let anyone edit out what is uniquely yours.

How did it feel to have blue hair? What did your husband think of a blue haired wife? Seems like that might spice things up a bit.

Sadly, I’m not daring enough to dye my hair such a vibrant color. But I do have plenty of fun wigs to wear on outings with the girls. Or, you know, to the grocery store. After almost twenty years together, my husband is barely fazed by my creative acts of expression!

 

Thank you, Kristina!

Cathy Lamb: I read every night to battle my looming insomnia, so I go through a lot of books. House Girl was one of my favorites. My only complaint was that it kept me up so very late. 

Your novel combined history and art, two of my favorite topics to read about.  I also thought the way you moved back and forth from a slave plantation in Virginia in 1852 to modern times in New York provided a compelling structure.  

Tell everyone about the plot.  What was the trigger for the story?

Tara Conklin: The original spark for The House Girl came from the words “slave doctor” that appeared in a biography I was reading.  Those words made me stop.  I wondered what would drive someone to occupy a role that to me seemed inherently conflicted: to dedicate your life to healing and yet your patients were destined only for more and graver harm.

I began to write a story about a slave doctor, a man I named Caleb Harper, and two women appeared in his story: Dorothea Rounds, a young white woman active on the Underground Railroad and Josephine Bell, a young house slave and artist on a Virginia tobacco farm.  I wanted to know more about these women and so I began writing their stories, and then I was off.

Josephine felt real to me. I was so attached to that character that during certain scenes  I actually felt myself cringing. Did she come completely from your imagination or was there a slave you read about who was your inspiration?

Josephine is purely herself – she isn’t based on any actual historical figure.  In developing her character, however, two women were very important.  The first was Mary Bell, an early 20^th century African-American artist who worked as a house maid for a wealthy Boston family.

She drew pictures of elaborately dressed, wealthy white and light-skinned black women using the only materials available to her – crayon, pencil and the tissue paper used to make dress patterns.  The drawings are odd – the women all wear pained, tense smiles – and I remember thinking when I first saw them 20 years ago: what would Mary Bell have drawn if she chose subjects close to her heart?  If she drew the people and things that she loved? This question determined the subject of Josephine’s art: the people and places that she loved.

The other woman who was important is Elizabeth Mumbet Freeman.  She lived in my home town of Stockbridge, MA, and was enslaved in Massachusetts before and during the Revolutionary War.  She overheard her master talking about the Declaration of Independence and wondered why its promise of freedom for all did not apply to her.  In 1781, she sued for her freedom in a Massachusetts court and won, ushering in a number of ‘freedom suits’ that eventually resulted in the abolishment of slavery in the state.  Her strength of purpose helped me understand Josephine Bell.

What about Lina?  She’s an attorney. You are, too. Is there some of you in Lina?

Readers often ask if Lina is auto-biographical and the answer is an emphatic no.   I went to law school after working in non-profits for five years, then practiced law for seven, and I enjoyed being a lawyer for about six of those.  Lina goes straight from college to law school and her reasons for doing so are based largely on stability and wanting a life different than her artist father’s.

The details of Lina’s world, however, are based on my time at a big corporate firm and some of her experiences (for example, the opening scene where a partner tells her that a case has recently settled) are drawn from my professional experiences.

It was heartbreaking to read about the lives of slaves in your book. It always is. Was researching slavery difficult, knowing how much they suffered?  Were there any other stories about slavery that particularly stuck with you?

To research the historical sections, I read history books, slave narratives and any other first person accounts I could get my hands on from the time period.  The research was indeed difficult, but it was also inspiring to read about the courage and strength of those who managed to escape from slavery (virtually all 19^th century slave narratives are written by those who escaped.)

At a certain point, however, I needed to stop researching.  The horror of slavery became overwhelming – the individual losses, the injustice, the waste.  I had to pull back and focus not on slavery as an institution but on Josephine Bell: one woman, one story.   I remember distinctly reading Solomon Northrup’s narrative (now the basis for the film 12 Years a Slave) and wanting to know more about the practice, common in the 1850s, of capturing free blacks in the North and selling them into slavery in the South.

I explore this in the book through the character of Benjamin Rust, a slave catcher.  The slave narrative Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs also stayed with me.  After fleeing her abusive master, Jacobs spent nearly seven years hidden in the attic crawl  space in her grandmother’s house. The situation evokes Anne Frank’s attic hideaway but Jacobs’ story is far less well-known.  Jacobs offers a detailed account of the particular suffering that women endured under slavery: routine sexual abuse at the hands of white slave owners, mistreatment by white mistresses, separation from children and partners.

The lives of slaves, particularly the women, are just devastating to think about and I’m glad you were so rawly honest in your re – telling of it. 

One part of The House girl I was especially intrigued with was the art that Josephine painted, and yet Lu Ann, her slave owner, received the credit and the money.  Which brought the story around to reparations for descendants of slaves. Can you elaborate on your thought processes as you included that piece in The House Girl?

Part of the art angle came from Josephine’s character herself.  I knew early on that Josephine had this creative spark, an artist’s sensibility and need to create – this was the key to her character and I wondered how that would have played out within the context of her relationship with Lu Anne.  As I researched the antebellum period, I was also continually struck by the overwhelming waste – waste of life, intelligence talent, love, family.  And what might have come from all the hearts and minds that were thrown away in the cotton, sugar and tobacco fields?   Josephine’s art was just one small way of answering that question.

 On a more personal note, tell us about yourself. Where do you live, with who? Do you have a garden, pets, hobbies, interests?

I have three kids (ages 7, 6 and 18 mos) so they are my hobby.  I live with them and my husband Nick in Seattle.  We have no pets and I am an atrocious gardener. In the rare moments when I’m not looking after the kids or writing, I run, practice yoga (badly) and occasionally try to cook something adventurous.

Living in Seattle, we’re surrounded by such physical beauty and we try to take advantage of it whenever we can on the weekends – hiking, skiing, camping and swimming in the summers.

You have a BA in history from Yale, a JD From NY University and a Master of Law and Diplomacy from the Fletcher School at Tufts.  You were a litigator in New York and London. And now you’re a writer.  Was this the plan?  Or is writing a new ambition? 

Contrary to what my diverse education might indicate, I’ve always wanted to be a writer; I just never thought I could make a living at it (and I’m still not sure!)  I’ve been a voracious reader since earliest childhood and I think wanting to write flows pretty naturally from a love of books.   I began keeping a journal at about age 9 or 10 and throughout my life I’ve been a scribbler of stories.  In the back of my mind, I always had this vision of me in retirement – obligation-free days and me at my laptop, writing.  After the birth of my first child, something shifted in me and I realized that I couldn’t wait that long – so I decided to retire early.

What does a typical day look like for you?  When do you write? Do you set daily writing goals? Are you up until two in the morning all the time, like me?

When I’m traveling, I don’t have much of a writing routine, unfortunately.  I’ve been finding it very difficult to promote The House Girl while working on another book.  When I’m not traveling, my routine is fairly set:  as soon as my babysitter arrives at 9:00 am to watch my youngest (my older two catch the school bus at 7:45), I head to my favorite coffee shop with my laptop where I drink copious amounts of coffee and type as fast as I can until the babysitter leaves at 1:00.   I then often start working again after the kids are in bed, around 8 pm.   I don’t set myself goals – I just write for as much time as I’ve got.

I, too, write in coffee shops. Every day.  One might call me a Starbucks fanatic, but I digress…Name three favorite writers, one from the 1800s, one from the 1900s and one from modern times.

1800s: Leo Tolstoy; 1900s: Virginia Woolf; modern: Jennifer Egan.

What are you working on now?

I’m working on a novel about three adult sisters and how they come to terms with the death of their brother.   It’s a contemporary family portrait, focusing on the sibling relationships and how they change and shift over time.

Oh, my. What a coincidence.  I have two sisters and a brother.  Relationships do shift, don’t they? I’ll look forward to the next book. Thanks for your time, Tara! 

 

 

• November 14
  • Let’s play: BUILD A SPOUSE.
  • In many of my books I have a male stud love interest. When I’m writing the character, I simply create a man who I’d want to marry. (If, say, Innocent Husband ran off with a young blonde bomb.) Which brings me to my first question. What five characteristics and qualities would you insist on in a spouse if you were to marry again? Or, for the first time? My second question: What are the “extra credit” qualities you would want? (I’ll leave that open to interpretation). Be real honest. And you can break the rules here any which way you want.
  • November 14 at 2:21pm · Unlike · 1

Tina Hengen He must be caring, funny, hard working (but not a workaholic), honest, and loveable! And if he were somewhat sensitive, can cook, clean up after himself, and somewhat spontaneous that would be a nice bonus!

November 14 at 2:22pm · Unlike · 2

Shannon Heinz-Potenzo In order 1. Humor, 2. Passion, 3. He has to be nice to waiters and waitresses. I know this sounds weird but you can tell a lot about a person if they are rude to people just trying to wait on them 4. Honesty 5. Good work ethic…..extra credit; nice legs, butt and piercing blue eyes!

November 14 at 2:23pm via mobile · Unlike · 3

Erin Maureen Mast 1. hard worker 2.loving 3. kind 4. funny 5. good in bed”lol Lets face it material things are great but without someone that makes ya laugh and feel loved with a dash of romantic in him”might as well have a roommate or a dog…..

November 14 at 2:24pm · Unlike · 1

Dana Velvet Pixie Bokelman Sense of humor is a MUST.. He better accept that my children will ALWAYS be my babies… treat me like the special creation I am! And yes looks matter but that is to each his own  … He MUST have an income .. and Ill break the rules ..sex is fun I want it in my life and he should accomadate

November 14 at 2:26pm · Edited · Unlike · 1

Sheila Hagar OK, let’s play this game! Because five was EXACTLY the length of my most recent “spouse” list! In no order of importance: Shared faith, relational, job, sense of humor, cares about his health. It does not hurt at all that mine arrived with an awesome hiney and dimples.

November 14 at 2:25pm · Unlike · 1

Sheila Hagar And by awesome, I mean the kind that makes you reach under the covers and squeeze.

November 14 at 2:26pm · Unlike · 1

Julia Spann-Plummer 2) Family oriented 3) Successful 4) Genuinely kind 5) great sense of humor. Now, for the extras 1) SEXY (aka well groomed, smells good, etc)., 2) Affectionate (touches my heiny when he walks by me, dances with me in the kitchen while dinner is cooking) 3) Thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so often 4) He’s gainfully employed with a retirement plan so we can travel 5) Sexually gifted

November 14 at 2:27pm · Unlike · 3

Sheila Hagar OK, I’m going back to work now.

November 14 at 2:27pm · Unlike · 1

Sheila Hagar DAMMIT LAMB, now I have to go home.

November 14 at 2:27pm · Unlike · 3

Cathy Lamb Well, sheesh, Sheila Hagar I think the world is a better place knowing that your husband has nice buttocks.

November 14 at 2:28pm · Unlike · 3

Sheila Hagar sorry…can’t talk…stuffing work into messenger bag…where is my phone…wonder if I can beat the kids home…

November 14 at 2:29pm · Unlike · 1

Laura Fenn 1) intelligent 2) clean cut 3) stable 4) non smoker 5) shares my sense of humor.

November 14 at 2:29pm · Unlike · 1

Julia Spann-Plummer I forgot to say intelligent which is funny because it’s my #1 requirement. Must be intelligent!

November 14 at 2:31pm · Unlike · 1

Erin Maureen Mast oh yeh can they be non-farters”’

November 14 at 2:31pm · Unlike · 1

Sheila Hagar Sorry, Erin Maureen Mast, that goes under “fantasy.”

November 14 at 2:31pm · Unlike · 1

Erin Maureen Mast can a girl dream”common

November 14 at 2:32pm · Unlike · 1

Lisa Ferber For me, looking at someone’s hands reveal about as much as you can see in their eyes. It’s not a palm reading thing. It’s about seeing the strength, caring and gentleness that’s there. It may not make sense, but when I met my husband, his hands matched his eyes.

And please forgive my cheesiness!

November 14 at 2:37pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Dana Kennedy Criger Sensitive. Trustworthy. Funny. Confident but not cocky. Well mannered. I always joked that my next husband would have to be an orphan since I had so much drama with his family.

November 14 at 2:37pm · Unlike · 1

Sheila Hagar You know, you cannot discount good kissing, either.

November 14 at 2:38pm · Unlike · 3

Felicia Sondrol Darwen We are a natural fit, a team whether cooking in the kitchen, playing a game, parenting a child or fighting in a war together Apocalyptic action movie-style. He hears me, not just listens and is sincerely interested in knowing me and all my broken pieces. He sings me lullabies, sings well, gives excellent massages, loves food, loves wine, tall, can spoon with me perfectly, deep voice, dreamy eyes, sings, has the heart of a lion and gets on his knees to tell me he loves me, pushes me down when I try to kiss him on my tip toes, he runs hot and I cold … more than five and definitely my current love interest … I’ll tell you more if you PM me or call me … he’s perfectly written for one of your books.

November 14 at 2:38pm · Unlike · 2

Marie Pier Perreault Funny, attentionate, caring, calm, smart.

As for the rest…tall, bit of a teddy bear, green eyes and an impish smile, and has a bit of a nine year-old on a sugar rush attitude towards life.

November 14 at 2:39pm · Unlike · 1

Sheila Hagar Also, ask yourself this ladies: Will he change the toilet paper roll?

November 14 at 2:39pm · Unlike · 4

Sarah Austad Sense of humor….laughs at my jokes, love of learning new things, helps around the house, good listener, and loves me unconditionally. I believe I just described my husband of thirty one years…almost thirty two!

November 14 at 2:49pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Joyce Ferrell RICH, CONSIDERATE , GOOD KISSER, DARK HAIR BLUE EYES TALL WELL BUILT FAITHFUL AND AFFECTIONATE, LOVES CATS AD DOGS AND HORSES , WANTS TO LIVE ON OCRACOKE ISLAND.NC, GENEROUS,GOD FEARING

November 14 at 2:58pm · Unlike · 1

Maria Ulery Trusting, considerate, funny, affectionate, and able to do construction type things like hang drywall etc. Extras would be wealthy and tend to my every need lol

November 14 at 3:05pm via mobile · Unlike · 2

Bettyann Waller sense of humour, twinkling eyes, likes to kiss and cuddle, “good hands” lol…

November 14 at 3:08pm · Unlike · 1

Jill Castro Mandatory: Sense of humor, patient, working toward goals, passionate about their work (but knows when to stop working), loves food, loves travel, loves his family, can be left alone with my friends and family and hold his own, manly hands, and knows when to take charge and when not to. One of the things that I like most about my marriage is that our career interests are polar opposites, but we both think the other one is a rockstar at what they do.

November 14 at 3:13pm · Unlike · 4

Debbie Rhodes Trust-worthy. Faith-filled. Sense of humor. Protective. Must love kids and dogs. Not hairy. Calm. Own a beach house. Would need all of the above plus free-flowing cash for me to get married again if I ever become a widow.

November 14 at 3:13pm via mobile · Unlike · 2

Lisa Sizemore Poss First of all, I’d like to say I have an awesome husband, and I love him. But….here goes. He would have to be tall, handsome, and very very rich. He would love to travel and clean house. He would be CRAZY about me, of course and enjoy ironing.

November 14 at 3:19pm · Unlike · 1

Rose Park Picked DH after intuiting he would be the best dad ever. Thinking back, that would be #2 on my list. #1? A solid belief that his job is to be Jesus in the home. The servant Jesus.

November 14 at 3:23pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Karen Price A man who would drive to the theatre on a Harley Davidson  . In other words, cultured, but tough. Handsome, wealthy, and not afraid of anything, esp hard work. Someone who can change a diaper, fix a car, cook a meal, ride a horse, and discuss literature. Obviously, I live in a dream world lol

November 14 at 3:24pm · Unlike · 5

Sherry Gorman I would want somebody who worshipped me. I know, that’s egocentric and shallow, but you asked

November 14 at 3:30pm · Unlike · 3

Billie Ann Koerner I love all the qualities of Mr.. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice!

November 14 at 3:31pm · Unlike · 1

Terrinkelly Ford My husband had all those qualities Plus…I’m so blessed.20+ years married, and he still takes my breath away.week knees is a plus..

November 14 at 3:31pm via mobile · Unlike · 3

 

• Sophie Moss Qualities: Honest, Loyal, Hard-working, Compassionate, Kind. Extras: affectionate, great sense of humor, great storyteller, great cook, great listener, loves dogs, loves to be outside.

November 14 at 4:09pm · Unlike · 2

Cathy Lamb What awesome comments!! First, I’d want someone who loved me dearly and could put up with my need to be alone to write and think and my general crankiness. I think that a relationship cannot survive happily without faithfulness. I do not want to go to bed at night wondering if my man is tumbling in someone else’s sheets, so that’s my second one. I need kindness and intelligence and honesty. That would be five. I also think that if both people are not completely dedicated to making the marriage work, it won’t. There’s too much from life – not even counting our own faults as individuals and couples – but there’s too much that life throws at us that is hard and challenging to stay together unless both people say, “Come hell or high water we’re sticking this out.” And, sometimes I think couples shouldn’t stick it out. They are not good together or he is a major asshole. Hot, good looking, and into traveling and reading and laughing and chatting would be lovely, too.

November 14 at 4:25pm · Like · 11

Tara White Robinett Over 6 ft, Christian, loves my kids and my parents, likes me, good cook. Bonus stuff, great lover but not obsessed with sex, likes to read, good at building or fixing stuff, likes the same TV shows, neat with his stuff, likes to travel, likes to talk about stuff.

November 14 at 4:26pm via mobile · Unlike · 3

Peggy Aube Strout Funny, honest, great hands( that’s a personal thing for me, I love a man with clean, manly hands, lol) hard working, one who treats His Mom like a queen…..(not a mamas boy) a man who likes to travel, loves kids and animals….kind, considerate, thinks of others, a man that can take me in His arms and hug me like no other…..a man who has your back….always….handsome and rugged…….lol I am living in a book……

November 14 at 4:27pm via mobile · Unlike · 3

Sandra Jean Lawrence Gosh, I can’t improve on any of these comments….but I’ll say I wouldn’t want a man who thinks he’s the be-all-end-all of the relationship.

November 14 at 4:27pm · Unlike · 3

Janet Castillo Must haves: honest but not too honest, funny, protective, caring. Love movies, good listener, loves children

Extras: romantic, tall,

November 14 at 4:27pm via mobile · Unlike · 2

Simi Zuckerman Kind and compassionate to all people and animals. Smart and savvy. Humble. A good sense of humor. A gentleman.
Extras: nice looking but not like a model. Comfortable financially. Family man. Generous. Romantic. Positive outlook. Supportive. Fun.

November 14 at 4:31pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Simi Zuckerman Oh, yes, can fix cars and things around the house, is computer savvy, and likes to clean and cook.

November 14 at 4:33pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Logan Lazo Handsome, great sense of humor, is a gentleman without realizing it. Has at least 2 older sisters which is why he can respect all women. Dresses well and manages his hair if its long enough to manage. Healthy but not a health freak. Beautiful hands and mouth. Teeth are a big one – i love ANYONE with a great smile!

November 14 at 4:35pm · Unlike · 1

Anne Marie Anderson I did it right the second time. My husband is incredibly funny, always honest with me (but gentle on the not-so-fun-to-hear stuff). He’s a great father, isn’t afraid to cry when his emotions get really strong. Those are probably my very favorite character traits.

November 14 at 4:36pm · Unlike · 1

Vanessa Mitchell Someone who would put up with my crazy life, 3 kids, loves to cuddle, is very affectionate, loving, trustworthy, honest and likes sex. Yes I said sex.

November 14 at 4:46pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Cheryl Cole-Beisel Affectionate,funny,helpful,same taste in music, and handsome!

November 14 at 4:56pm · Unlike · 1

Katie Wayt Honest and kind, makes me laugh, can deal with my NKOTB obsession and likes to cuddle.

November 14 at 4:59pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Amy Rogers Honest, loyal, cowboy type (real cowboy, not the ones that play at it on weekends), gets my need for some autonomy, doesn’t expect me to be his mother or maid, educated, good conversationalist, can debate with me and understand when I’m playing devils advocate, can hold a job. That’s a good start.

November 14 at 5:09pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Anne Hovey Brandolini Sense of humor, intelligent, good with kids, laid back, handy. For extra credit: good looking.

November 14 at 5:09pm · Unlike · 2

Threasa Sears Lewis My perfect guy would be honest, smart, funny, tall, with sexy eyes and a smile that will melt your heart. A great add on would be someone who can dance with me on and off the dance floor. Be that lil old couple who know each others next move before they even make it.

November 14 at 5:17pm · Unlike · 1

Connie Binion Honest , smart,cares about family,faithful ,respects his wife.

November 14 at 5:44pm · Edited · Unlike · 2

Cynthia Dix He gives me space when I need it and hugs when I need them–and doesn’t think he’s less of a man for NOT being able to fix the unfixable! That was on my list for hubby #2–and I got it

November 14 at 5:46pm · Unlike · 1

Barb Dowdell MacKenzie Mr. Perfect would be (FAITHFUL not a trait but without it, it is a dealbreaker!) funny, easy going, genuine, nice to his mom/kids and respectful. Bonus qualities are hot for sex, good looking and financially independent. Funny is most important as good looks fade, sex might stop working after a certain age and money does not make you happy.

November 14 at 6:51pm · Edited · Unlike · 1

Frances Jurvakainen Williams a good sense of humor, genuine interest in people, clean cut, nice smile, intelligent, honest, loves kids and animals, hardworking, likes to travel, is interested in living life, not just watching it pass by, has flashes of orneriness like Mel Gibson when he was young and sane, empathetic, loves music, loves a good conversation with an open mind to different opinions, has a strong core of faith, is loving and affectionate. he makes you feel good about yourself even at your worst. All these things make him a sexy, handsome man.

November 14 at 6:01pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Meaghan Pang Without reading everyone else’s posts first, here’s mine with probably some duplicates  #1: Trustworthy, loving, responsible, communicative, thoughtful/unselfish (like girlfriends are with each other), amazing father to our children, not lazy, holds same morals. #2: good looking, strong, makes good money  (makes things easier), wants to travel and drink wine with me

November 14 at 6:50pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Cathie Hedrick Armstrong 5 Qualities: honesty, loyalty, love of family, sensitive (not too manly to cry) and protective of those he loves.

Bonus qualities: coal black hair, razor stubble, bright blue eyes, sense of humor, strong arms, tall, confident but not arrogant.

November 14 at 7:09pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Joey Paquette I was the girl that had crushes on Hoss, Grizzly Adams, Dan Connor, the big, beefy, kindhearted teddy bears. Strong warm hands, deeper voice, good conversationalist, tender strongman.

November 14 at 7:18pm via mobile · Unlike · 2

Angela Lenamond Sharp wit, strong but patient and understanding. Not a doormat. Can truly “see” her, flaws and all, but still loves & gets her.

November 14 at 7:54pm via mobile · Unlike · 2

Anne Palmer Martin He needs a good sense of humor. Must love animals and kids. He can put up with the insanity that is my family. He loves me at my best but can handle me at my worst.

November 14 at 9:02pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Vivian Gialanella-Sauter Oh boy…I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all these comments!

November 14 at 9:33pm · Unlike · 1

Gretchen Ross I don’t think that a dumb man would ever be attracted to me so I will take intelligence as a given.

I think that a sense of justice and right and wrong that match my own is most important to me. Shared morals and values. I also want him to really dig me and get me for who I am.

Good in bed too.

November 14 at 9:57pm · Unlike · 2

Carissa Winter Great sense of humor with a great laugh, gets along with my family, love for outdoors, wildlife and dogs, honest and hardworking (strong work ethic), loves to read and travel

November 14 at 10:24pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Carissa Winter Oh and loves to cook!

November 14 at 10:24pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Mandy Boelter Lange I would say great sense of humor and quick to laugh, patient, forgiving, strong (physically and emotionally and handsome, and a strong Christian. Hmmm. Those are all the qualities I love in my husband of 11 1/2 years.  I am blessed!!!!!

November 14 at 10:56pm · Unlike · 2

Diane Russom Harrison Sense of humor, integrity, intelligence, generous in all ways, emotionally stable…this are all non-negotiable. Extra credit: dark hair and eyes, curious, kind, loves animals, loves to travel.

November 14 at 11:29pm · Unlike · 1

Mandy Boelter Lange My extra credit: highly intelligent, animal lover, good dancer, and will adore me in all ways!!!

November 14 at 11:37pm · Unlike · 1

Maryellen Sparks Pallow Qualities of my perfect husband? Stable, sense of humor, intelligent, kind-hearted and a really good cook (I get hungry). Extras~~must love cats, put up with my shopping, has to exercise and is adventurous between the sheets. (Blushing!)

Yesterday at 3:03am · Unlike · 1

Sebastian Cole Um.. am I allowed to read these??

Yesterday at 3:52am · Unlike · 3

Michelle Traver Honestly, Cathy, I’d marry any of your male heroes. Generally, you nail it: BIG, muscular, easygoing, accepting, smart, funny, capable, confident, intelligent, loves babies and animals, PROTECTIVE but not jealous/distrustful, has some kind of job they either enjoy or make a decent living at, is capable of talking about or at least showing how they feel, willing to let their mate exist as an adult individual because I didn’t Venus out of a clam shell yesterday, good in bed (or at least willing to learn), but the most important thing is they have to have that “hook” that pulls you in–whether it’s a gorgeous set of eyes, a beautiful smile, or some other attribute that just gets your sex drive going.

Yesterday at 4:08am · Edited · Unlike · 1

Kelly J. Phillips (needs):Honest, faithful,open emotionally ,same faith,humorous (wants) supportive, financially stable,loves kids and animals. Oh and…Understands as much as I try,I’ll never b a size 6… ever again! Cathy Lamb I love your “Put some thought in it” questions.

Yesterday at 4:21am · Unlike · 1

Peggy Hornyak Dingess I think the flower would be a beautiful book cover Cathy!

Yesterday at 4:38am · Unlike · 1

Loretta Palmer The five characteristics I would want in a new husband are a man that is trust worthy. A passionate man is also important. I am not just talking about the bedroom here (though that would be great!). I mean that he should be passionate about living, his work or helping people. Stability is paramount; both financial and emotional. Nothing sexier than a man who is self aware. Finally my perfect mate would be respectful of me and my needs, as well as himself and others. He wouldn’t judge people harshly or be condescending. He could appreciate people for who they are and understanding that they are on their own path of discovery. Bonus traits — handy man, good with kids and animals, loves music, loves to read, physically fit, knows his way around a kitchen and would take me dancing. Also, he has to be a “Man’s man”; the strong silent type. Does a guy like this even exist?

Yesterday at 11:40am · Edited · Unlike · 1

Katy Shandil Supportive, loving, strong (emotionally, extra credit for physically strong), family values important and a good role model. Someone that is a doer. Doesn’t have to be asked to mow the lawn or fix things. A great communicator? Is that possible in the male species? Extra credit for a wonderful smile and sense of humor …….

Yesterday at 8:01am via mobile · Unlike · 1

Karen Carman family first. Good with finances. independant. I make him laugh. He makes me laugh.

Yesterday at 11:03am · Unlike · 1

Karen Carman lets me be me..and loves me just the way I am…

Yesterday at 11:08am · Unlike · 1

Karen Carman extra credit…can have a conversation with anyone. tidy. organized. proud of himself. cooks !

Yesterday at 11:10am · Unlike · 1

Cathy Lamb Sebastian Cole. Have at it. What do YOU think? What are your top five for a spouse? What are your extra credit qualities?

Yesterday at 11:25am · Like · 1

Cathy Lamb I don’t know if men like this exist. Maybe that’s why romance books are so popular….

Yesterday at 11:25am · Like

Cathy Lamb Peggy Hornyak Dingess Thank you! I loved that flower. I have a small obsession with flowers…

Yesterday at 11:26am · Like

Cathy Lamb I love all the thoughtful responses here. Men, relationships, so difficult and complicated sometimes. I’ve been married over twenty years and there is still much to work out. Some days I look at him and think, “What? You’re STILL here?” And other days we just laugh our way through…

Yesterday at 11:27am · Like · 1

Jacqueline Spenger A job. He needs a job. And kind, loving, attentive. And he can’t still carry a torch for his ex. And no porn.

Yesterday at 11:37am · Edited · Unlike · 2

Kitti McConnell I haven’t yet met Mr Right but from the good marriages I’ve seen, he needs to be 100% committed and full of love. Requirements for his spouse are the same.

Yesterday at 11:52am · Unlike · 1

Rosa Lee James Jude He lets me be me…and I am sure that is difficult at times…and he loves his mother, my mother and all of my friends…another task that isn’t always easy. He is very good to the people in my life that are important to me.

Yesterday at 11:54am · Unlike · 2

Kristie Taylor Sense of humor, gainful employment, morally and ethically compatible, loves me for me, and has most of his own teeth!

Yesterday at 1:07pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

Barb Dowdell MacKenzie I have a friend who tells me that her husband takes hold of her face and kisses her fully and deeply every day when he leaves the house…..

Yesterday at 2:49pm · Unlike · 1

Kim Sonju-Zrust I got the opportunity to marry again – here’s what my priorities were: 1. Love my kids. 2. Love me. 3. Be independent 4. Be trustworthy. 5. Be fun. And for EXTRA CREDIT???? Doesn’t need me to say “Yes, it is so yummy!!!!” when he makes pizza…See More

Yesterday at 3:28pm · Edited · Unlike · 1

Sebastian Cole I can’t compete with these perfect men! They’re all making me look bad, ha.

Let’s see, here are MY good qualities, leaving out the bad, of course, ha:…See More

Yesterday at 3:31pm · Edited · Unlike · 2

Jacqueline Spenger I would also say that a good quality would be that he isn’t a felon. Or uses drugs. I might be getting too realistic though……

5 hours ago · Edited · Like