About once every 48,980 miles, I go to Les Schwab to have my tires rotated. I haul in my kids, switch on the cartoons and start inhaling popcorn. Why not? It’s there and it’s free.

While there last week, I picked up a woman’s magazine and read a beauty article. I learned that some people willingly allow others to stick needles in their faces – even though it causes temporary facial paralysis. Other people put chemicals and acids on their faces to disintegrate several skin layers.

Still others volunteer to have layers of skin “vaporized” by a laser to rid themselves of wrinkles and other imperfections. Yes, there’s a procedure that can vaporize part of your cheek!

Why would a sane person do this? Such a simple reason: People claim it makes them look younger, fresher, sexier.

One of my favorite procedures involved Botox. Botox is otherwise known as botulism toxin. Doesn’t the name alone scare you? Botulism is a bad word.  Botox is injected into the muscles in your face with needles to puff out nasty wrinkles. This sounded about as relaxing as dermabrasion.

In “dermabrasion” a doctor uses a tool, often a wire brush, to remove unwanted skin layers. I didn’t know there were layers of skin I shouldn’t want. I’ve filed that away as  Useful fact. The article did warn that dermabrasion can be bloody and cause more scarring. But people are willing to pay $1,500 to $2,500 for a professional to bloody up their face.

“Microdermabrasion,” was yet another option. It also is called a “power peel.” I peel bananas. I peel onions on the rare nights that I cook. I cannot imagine wanting to peel my face.

Here’s how it goes: A doctor uses a tool, which the author compared to a sandblaster.  Take a moment to picture a sandblaster. There ya go. The sandblaster shoots teeny crystals right at your face at a rapid rate to removed the dead skin. Then, the dead skin is vacuumed away. People  pay about $350 to have their faces vacuumed. (Note: I have three kids to put through college. I will vacuum your face with the special hose attached to my vacuum cleaner for half the price).

The “chemical peel,” involving the above mentioned acids, costs $4000 to $5000. The author warns recovery can take weeks, and you might have crusting and scabbing. That’s not hard to imagine.

If someone is scarred from acne or accident or surgery, I could understand extreme measures. But it appears that outwardly normal people have these procedures to help them look younger.

People, we have taken our quest for youth to a new and insane level.

Before I am buried under a thousand letters from dermatologists who claim these are safe and useful procedures, please, I tell you, don’t bother.

Nothing can convince me that dumping acid on my face is safe. Nothing can convince me that injecting Botox through needles into my laugh lines is a good idea, making it so I can’t move my face like a normal person. Nothing can convince me that a procedure involving a laser that “vaporizes” layers of skin over my forehead is a smart thing to do.

They told us implants were safe, too. About 20% of those have to be taken out when they burst, harden, shift, break, or cause pain.

The tires are soon rotated. I grab the same number of kids that I walked in with who address me as “Mom,” and we go home.

Later that night I call my father and tell him about my experience. First, he must get over his shock that I took the car in to have the wheels rotated. I dare say, he is proud. Then we talk. My father is 66 years old and can run a seven and a half minute mile. Watching him run is like watching a puffing tank zoom down the road. Do not get in his way. He will not stop.

I tell him about these new procedures, and he makes a crack about masochists. Then we start talking about beauty and youth. He is wise, and he is kind and knows much more than me. I know this, I do. “Beauty,” he tells me quietly, “real beauty, is in the soul.”

I knew it.

One more reason to keep the dead skin on my face, right where it belongs.

 

This article was printed many moons ago in The Oregonian.