Let’s pretend that there’s a space alien invasion and we’re all beamed up to beautiful new planets.

Now, most of us would go. We would be INVITED by the space aliens. But, probably not ALL of us. Some of us wouldn’t get an invitation.

Maybe there would be some sort of standard set. Like, mean people couldn’t come. Or people that REALLY irritate you. They would have to stay on Earth.

Anyhow.

My point is this: I wonder how long it would be, if humans were gone, for animals to take over and for the forests and swamps and plants to cover our streets and homes.

In other words, when would civilization disappear in favor of cougars running through the streets like mad men and wild horses galloping through Macy’s looking for the perfect bra?

I ask this because of the two deer in front of my house the other day, that you can see in the photo.

(This is not my house. This is my wonderful neighbor’s house. She is a very smart and kind person and her house looks way better than mine, but one day I aspire to be just like her. It’s just not going to be today, or tomorrow, because my kids are home from school and I am buried in laundry and washing dishes. You know how it is.)

I live in the middle of suburbia. To see deer here is surprising.

These two were walking down the street like they owned it. I do not know what their names are, so don’t ask.

They did seem a tad bit embarrassed. As if they couldn’t BELIEVE they were in the middle of suburbia, and how boring was this, and how did we get so off track, and where the heck is the forest, I’m thirsty and getting cranky, why do you never ask directions? There was a blue jay you could have talked to on the corner, you stubborn mule, and now we’re lost and I’m running out of gas.

Yes, I’m sure that was the conversation they were having.

A few months ago, again in Suburbia Land, a possum the size of a lion walked by my sliding glass door. Well, that’s a lie. It wasn’t the size of a lion, but it was HUGE, I mean, huge.

A walking, slogging white and grey thing that I knew would eat me alive if I scared it. He was not taking any crap, I could tell by the way he walked. He was a woman’s man. No time to talk. (Bee Gees)

Some months before that I had raccoons living under my house. They moved cement blocks and took out a wire screen to get in. I saw them in my backyard. Three of them. They looked straight back at me. They were not scared at all.

They reminded me of three raccoons that came to visit us years ago at our old house. We did not want raccoons in our backyard as our kids were little.

For some reason, Innocent Husband thought that if he let off a firecracker at night, when they were near our deck, this would make the raccoons scramble away in fear.

Oh no. The raccoons LOVED the firework. They were almost clapping they were so happy. They ran closer to the deck, sat back on their bottoms and waited. This was exciting! Their own firework show! Do it again, do it again! Do you guys have popcorn?

We had to call a critter – getter man to come and trap the raccoons and haul them off to the woods. How many did he catch? Six. And there were more. A neighbor later found that the raccoons had built a city under his house. They probably had an unseemly saloon down there. A casino. Boutiques and rib and potato restaurants.

On my walk today I saw a coyote sprinting across the park. I don’t know where he was going but he had to be somewhere quick. Maybe he had a date. Maybe he was in trouble with the Coyote Police.

The Sprinter is not the only coyote in this ole’ neighborhood, either. They howl at night in gangs in the field behind my house, like furry nightmares.

No, if we were all beamed up to new planets it wouldn’t be long before coyotes were running high stakes poker games on our dining room tables, raccoons were taking naps on our beds, and bears were slugging down beer and making fools of themselves at the coyotes’ poker games.

Good thing we’re here to keep everyone in line.

Until the alien invasion I shall continue to enjoy and appreciate these animals living with me in suburbia…from a few steps away.

And no, you may NOT devise a personal list of irritating people who MUST STAY on the planet Earth in the event of an alien invasion. Of COURSE NOT.

(Okay, you each get two people on your “You Have To Stay On Earth” list, but do NOT print their names here, that would be bad.)

Have a lovely day.