For Writers: How NOT To Write A Novel
1. Write only the scenes that you “feel like” writing, as if you are some zen loving hippie and will do what the wind calls you to do, what the rainbow requests, what the chirping birds inspire you to write. You will then have a giant mess, in non – chronological, senseless order, that you will have to cut and paste and cut and paste until you want to bash your head through a wall, like me.
2. Spend all your time daydreaming about other things that are pleasant and delightful and not writing your book, and then tell yourself that you were doing “research.” When your deadline is looming like a sharp toothed pterodactyl, you will be working sixteen hours a day, chugging coffee and ice cream. It’s ugly. Avoid it.
3. Convince yourself that you should hang out with fun girlfriends instead of work so you can get more ideas for your book. Soon you will have gained ten pounds because your fun friends like to eat fun food at fun places and you go along with all this fun – ness because you are a sap who is dragging her ass instead of writing.
(DO REMEMBER, friends, this is an article on what writers SHOULD NOT do!)
4. Change your mind about your main character mid way through so you have to go back to the start and “fix” her.
5. Decide in the sixth edit that you are sick of one of your other characters for an inane reason and delete him or her out along with 20,000 words. Now you have to go through the whole blasted novel, yet again, and make sure not one single hint of that character is in the book, always a brain splitting job.
6. Become addicted to the New York Times. Pretty soon you’re composing letters to leaders of far off, primitive countries of the world detailing exactly what they need to do to advance into the 19th century, what are they, stupid? and you’re actively engaged in debating with YOURSELF OUT LOUD what YOU would do if you were president. It’s ridiculous. I’m ridiculous.
7. Spend an inordinate amount of time debating, with your Invisible Friends, what book you should read next, then after that, and what should be read after that? Download more books than you can ever read. Cackle crazily while you do it.
8. Write an enormous 152,000 word book, knowing you’ll have to edit that sucker twelve times, and ask yourself if you want to be sane at the end of it, or not. If not, then go ahead and write it. If you treasure sanity, don’t do it. Become a florist. Roses are calming.
9. Decide that everything in your life has to be settled and done before you start writing. It is a good way to start writing by midnight EVERY SINGLE *(&%&U*(& NIGHT.
10. Take time off like I did. I took weeks off recently. Weeks. I have never taken weeks off work in my entire life and I am 47 years old and started working when I was fifteen. Usually I wait four days between finishing a novel and starting another one. I grew up Catholic, with an “idle hands are the devil’s play things” mentality, so laziness didn’t go over well in our house. In fact it was forbidden, so work is second nature to me.
But, oh no. I had to go and take a Cathy Sabbatical. Now I know what retirement is going to feel like. I currently want to retire immediately and watch my hydrangeas and rhododendrons grow, but I can’t. Woe is poor me and my twisted imagination.
Back to work, dear friends! Cheerio! Bon chance, tra la la, adios and all that. Good luck to you, you crazy people, I’m going to have a melt down.
