I am so glad my Victoria’s Secret bathing suit catalogue arrived last week.

Every year I just cannot wait to pick out my bikinis for the summer!!

How, I ask myself, will I possibly choose between a gold, shiny string bikini and a strapless white bikini top with a brooch in the center that surely would be see – through if a drop of water hit it?

How will I choose between colorful bikini bottoms that are not meant to cover any bottom at all? How will I choose between flowered tops that are so little they should be called nipple covers, not bikini tops?

Oh, my choices, my choices!  Heaven help me!

I study a pink bikini top, no straps so, obviously, one cannot go in the water and swim with the fish. It is called an “iridescent bikini.”  It says if I wear this I will, “shine on in the sunshine.”

This is not true. If it wore this there would be no shine in the sunshine and it would inevitably fall off, due to its teeny size, alarming everyone, most particularly, myself.

I look at another bikini. The bottoms are called, “Cheeky HIPKINI bottom.”  Victoria’s Secrets thought of this name, I can only assume, because only half of the model’s rear end, at best, is covered. If they even had my size in this bikini, most of my ass would be falling out like unrestricted play dough. Again, alarming for everyone.

There are bikini tops called, “Push – up bandeau.” Ha. I like anything that will give the girls a push up. The bikini top is pretty, but here is the problem: If I am wearing a bikini my stomach shows. I have given birth to three children, two of them twins. I no longer let anyone get a good look at my stomach, except for Innocent Husband, poor  thing.

But Victoria’s Secrets says that I should, “Go wild for a hot print in colors that pop.”  What do they mean, exactly, about “going wild?” I look for instructions on this, but see none.

Does it mean that I order two mochas at Starbucks instead of one and guzzle ’em down?

Does it mean that I watch two Keanu Reeves movies back to back, instead of one, while eating two bags of buttered popcorn?

Does it mean that in my Zumba class I shake it extra hard, without throwing out my back?

What exactly does “going wild,” mean for a forty four year old married mother of three teenagers? I am confused. Baffled. I will get in my pink robe and green slippers and ponder this later tonight with  my ice cream.

I am also offered a “bombshell of a bra,” in a bikini. The image I have of a bombshell is a dumb, white – blonde haired woman who deliberately tries to make men feel macho with vapid, insipid, giggly chit chat that means nothing.

Now, I used to have blond hair, still do because I highlight it, so please understand I am not criticizing blondes. But I have never admired women who try to come off as dumb, ditzy, dizzy, silly people, especially if they are trying to impress men. Why on Earth would one do that? My kind of man would not want a dumb, ditzy, dizzy, silly gal anyhow.

Therefore, I cannot possibly consider buying a “bombshell”  bra, just because of that loosey goosey connection.

There are bikinis with jewelry, bikinis in animal print, bikinis with polka dots and bikinis that were clearly made for girl mice. There are bikinis for “cleavage craving” women, which might be me, I will have to think about this, and bikinis with padding for extra lift.

I look for a bikini that will take fifteen pounds off my stomach, called “fat suckers,” but alas, they are not selling those this month.

There are one piece bathing suits which are very cute, but I prefer wearing my bathing suits with a little skirt attached. That way the tops of my thighs are – how shall I say it – covered from all those prying eyes and paparazzi.

Do you remember seeing photos of those old fashioned bathing suits with the stripes that covered most of the body, neck to knee? That’s what I want to wear. And, if it comes in iridescent pink, animal print, or polka dots, all the better.

Maybe I can then, “shine on” or “go wild.”