May 20, 2013

Thoughts on Marriage: From All Of You

  1. My Question on Facebook:

    In my next book, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE, out in August, I explore the concept of marriage a great deal.

    Here are my questions for you: Do you think marriage should last forever? Why? Under what circumstances is divorce acceptable? Is not being “in love” with your spouse a reason to split? Do you think our expectations of marriage are too high? Is it reasonable to expect two people – who grow and change during a marriage – to be happy for 50 years, or is a plan of having several spouses through different phases of life a better plan? If you are divorced, what words of wisdom do you have? If you’re married, what words of wisdom do you have? Would you marry again if given the choice? Why? Singles – what say you?
    • Vivian Gialanella-Sauter Geez…To answer all those questions, I would have to write a book! lol
    • Mippy Foofalina I’m single…I say yes to forever with a few exceptions: Abuse of any kind, my gut reaction is divorce right away but idk if that’s right. If the person is willing to get help and turn things around…that factors in I think. IT’s a hard for one to say…when you aren’t in the situation. But I know I only want to marry once. That will be enough for meh I am almost positive and I’d like to share that time with one person.
    • Cindi Bush Hayes No reason to get married if the intent is not ‘until death.’ Otherwise just get a boyfriend – or a dog. 
      But I come at marriage from a biblical perspective – I realize many do not. God said it was not good for man to be alone so He created woman to be a help-meet (not mate – there’s a difference). Brb, my son is texting me . . .
    • Carissa Winter I am divorced and will not marry again. 1) Keep your maiden name (either do not take his name or add it to your middle name). This will make things easier when changing it if you divorce. 2) Make sure your name and social security number is on file for all utilities as well as his. (when I divorced, I had no credit history with the utilities and had to pay deposits to have utilities turned on when I was starting over. Even though every month I paid the utilities with my checking account. Utilities were all in his name. ) 3)You have to work at marriage. Don’t stop celebrating special occasions. Make time for each other but also make time for yourself. 4)If love and respect is gone from the marriage, there’s no reason to stay married.
      Vivian Gialanella-Sauter OK Cathy – Here you go:
      Do I think marriage should last forever? Yes and No…Yes, if you are with the right one, you will know…and it will be easy…No, if you are with the wrong one, it won’t be easy. Let’s face it: Life is hard enough. We need to keep things as easy as possible!

      When is divorce acceptable? If there is COMPLETE incompatibility across ALL areas, if there is NO flexibility from BOTH partners, and if there is abuse of ANY kind.

      Is not being “in love’ a reason to split? No.

      Are expectations of marriage too high? Yes

      Is it reasonable for 2 people who grow/change to stay together for 50 years and be happy? Yes, very reasonable. Happiness ebbs and flows…it’s not a constant.

      I am married almost 41 years…YIKES! I married young: 18 years old, to get out of my house. Just seemed like it was the best thing to do! Was I madly in love with my husband 40 years ago? No. Was he madly in love with me 40 years ago? No. For us, fortunately, it has worked out and we grew together, built a life together, learned to love each other. We have learned a lot from each other.

      If I could go back and had the choice, would I marry? Yes, I would.

      No words of wisdom, really…just know that PATIENCE is needed. With patience comes strength and endurance. 

      Now, all this being said – the thing that is not mentioned here is adding CHILDREN to the marriage. THAT can and will most likely ROCK your world…both positively and negatively. Adding kids to the mix changes a lot. BUT, again – If you are with the right one, it will work perfectly 99% of the time. 

      PS – I have 2 great kids and 2 awesome grandkids…and I’m not 60 yet! One of the perks of doing it young…though, I wouldn’t recommend it!
    • Cindi Bush Hayes Okay, continuing: we are far from perfect and stuff happens that deteriorates a marriage. Some of it includes the three A’s, to quote Dr Laura (addiction, adultery and abuse), all of which I believe are legitimate reasons for protecting oneself and leaving a marriage. But only the injured party can decide if there is any chance for repair. Hopefully that person has a good head on his/her shoulders as none of are qualified to judge.
      I believe that two people can grow apart but that it can result from both people not working to keep that spark lit and making that spark the center from which all else emanates. My husband and I are fortunate to have been on the same page from day one, but we have also readdressed issues, checking in with each other, being honest, and sharing beliefs in heavier topics such as politics and religion, how to handle money or patenting styles. I don’t know how a married couple can survive without a deep connection on a variety of levels. If you don’t know whether or not your intended is there for you in thick and thin, then your marital relationship may experience a strain when the storm hits. And there WILL be storms. We’ve got 19 years, together for 21. He is my best friend and my boyfriend. But for us to have that, we have to work at it – remember though: if you love it, then it’s not work!
      I’m looking forward to your book!
    • Anne Marie Anderson I was Divorced and am now Happily Remarried. DO NOT ignore red flags. If something seems wrong before you are married, they WILL get worse! As far as being happy in a marriage, both people need to be honest and trustworthy with each other. Loyalty and communication are extremely important. I DO believe that love can last forever. Both partners need to recognize that people change. We need to be flexible with that change and work as a team throughout the different changes life brings.
    • Terri Johnsen I’ve been married a few times. I happen to love the idea and feel like I may just have finally grown up enough to understand what it takes to be in a healthy marriage. Do not lose sight of yourself. Stay part of your spouses world and remember it’s OK to be singular but when your spouse sends you into the world alone and constantly alone, you will end up single~
    • Cathy Lamb I agree – the addiction, adultery and abuse issues can be a no brainer. Out you go unless it stops immediately and the offending party gets help and wants to change and is willing to do the work AND fully understand what his actions did to the spouse and apologize from the heart. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. And, even if someone does get help, and does stop the three A’s, I often think the marriage is hopeless, maybe doomed. It’s a lot to get over. Sometimes I do think it’s time to close up shop and move on.
    • Lynne Mitchell I wrote a comment but it disappeared. I’d have to write a book too. . But I do believe in marriage for a lifetime even though my story wasn’t like that, I have a wonderful loving husband now.
    • Cindi Bush Hayes On whether expectations for marriage are too high: well, why not shoot for the stars and at least get the moon? And if it doesn’t work out, give yourself and your ex a break, remembering you are still a divinely-created being deserving of love, and capable of love.
    • Alice Gutshall I had hoped it was for a lifetime but it wasn’t.. So, now the men I have had relationships have to understand that I did that once (marriage), and I don’t mind living in sin. Been doing that now for 13+ years… It works.
    • Terri Johnsen OK I’m here again. I must add that sometimes there is a passive/aggressiveness and a dream world that some people live in that makes them wake up one day alone. It’s hard to know you love this type of person, spend so many years with them because it’s easier then hurting them, and find you just can’t do it any more. Does that constitute failure? I don’t think so. It takes a lot of love to try that long. It takes a lot of self respect to walk away too.
    • Holly Bomgardner I would not marry again and I could write a book on that ! lol. Let’s see, we met in November of 95 and were married 6 months later… oh how foolish I was and with HUGE expectations and while I admit I was deeply in love with him and we were blissfully happy for awhile I knew it just wouldn’t work because we had NOTHING in common. What a revelation ! So my aha moment was learning that you absolutely cannot live on love alone, you must have common goals, interests and genuinely ‘like’ the person you’re with Anyway I divorced him 12 years ago and I’m much happier
    • Barb Dowdell MacKenzie My first husband and I met at 17 and married at 22. He cheated since he knew me, and he told me on January 1.1997.We divorced and he told me he did me a favor. I did not think so at the time but now I am so glad he set me free as I don’t think I would be here today. My current “hubby” (live together) have been together 13 years and are happy respecting one another and being good friends also. I think that if you are lucky enough to find everlasting love, it is a gift. If folks only knew how quickly love could be lost(especially through death) maybe they would fight for what they have. I would marry- if he asked me. However, I am not sure the human species are meant to be with one other person for life as we evolve at different rates. I hope this ramble made some sense.
    • Cynthia Dix I think I’m going to do this in three parts. First up, what I have learned from my parents, who are coming up on their 52nd anniversary. They were high school sweethearts who waited until after college graduation to marry, then waited 7 years to have kids. They got the chance to grow together, travel together and most of that 7 years they lived at a distance from the rest of their families–even after I was born, they didn’t return to the San Francisco Bay Area until nearly a decade later. This gave them the time to become their own family and have the strength to deal with both sets of my grandparents close by. They have weathered all this time by NOT expecting happiness all the time. They have gone through rough patches, at one point after my sister and I both left for college we seriously thought they would get divorced! But their upbringing was to WORK at their marriage, to deal with the bad and trust that the good would come again. My generation and those after me have the delusion that marriage is happily ever after. My parents have shown me that absent addiction, adultery and abuse, marriage can be “forever”.
    • Cynthia Dix Having said all that, I am divorced and remarried. I tried to make marriage #1 work. I went into it in good faith and love. He cheated on me, moved out and we got divorced. Thank heavens we didn’t have kids because it could be a complete separation and I haven’t seen him since moving to Oregon. What I learned was that sometimes you have to walk away. If I had found the teen porn on the computer BEFORE he moved out I would have kicked him out! Communication is so important! Trust can only exist when people sit down and share. Financial problems can kill a marriage. Yes, keep your maiden name, or part of it because changing it BACK is harder than changing it in the first place! And the utilities  I am lucky the lady at the cable company was sympathetic when I called her! When I picked up The Last Time I Was Me, my first thought was, where was this book while I was going through all that bitterness after Marriage #1 dissolved? Thank you for writing it, Cathy Lamb!
    • Cynthia Dix Part the Third: I got married again! Our third anniversary is just around the corner–although we’ve known each other for five years. He was the first man I dated after the divorce (nearly 5 years!). Why is this working? We talked about our expectations before we got married. We went to counseling when we got engaged. Especially important to me? Our families and religious upbringing are similar. Now, I don’t go to church as an adult, but the fact that my husband was raised with similar values and expectations is HUGE! My first husband was from another faith, another culture and another socioeconomic background. Those differences helped fracture us when we hit hard times. My husband’s parents haven’t reached their 50th anniversary yet, but they’re close! And Patient Husband is essentially my age (#1 was younger by 6 years–I’m cringing as I type that!). We’ve had some bumps but we’re in this for the long haul. I believe in Happily Ever After  I just believe it’s a construction job all the way!
    • Talethea Thompson I don’t know if marriage should be forever. As a Christian, I should, but there have been too many times in the last almost 11 years of my marriage when I’ve decided to try keep trying because of the kids, not because of me. So who knows? I know my expectations of marriage and my husband were completely unrealistic when we got married. I know I married him expecting him to grow up, mature as a husband and dad… To change (bad idea). Years later I have to accept just how foolish that was. I don’t know if love is enough, it may not be.
    • Wendy Fowler Nunes Marriage. I think it depends who you choose to marry and how adaptable you both are. If you are both adults, and honest with each other, and care about each other’s needs, you have a chance of making the relationship last, maybe the whole time. At any given stage, you need to evaluate whether your life is better with this person or without in the context of a long time partnership. In order to do that you need to know will be OK either way, because the decision is not always yours. Respect is the key. Once it’s lost, I don’t know where you can go.
    • Cynthia Dix Oh, a side note, despite the whole, keep your maiden name bit, I completely changed it legally with husband #2! This account started before I got married. Do the phonetics and you’ll understand why I always dreamed of something nice and safe like “Porter”!
    • Cathy Lamb What a thoughtful discussion this has been…thank you, ladies! My views on marriage have changed drastically from when I was married, at 26, to how I think about my marriage, and marriage in general, now that I’m 46 and have been married 20 years. One thing I do know, I would never marry again. This is not a bad reflection on my marriage now necessarily, although after 20 years there have been tough times, but I just don’t want to do it again. It would not be for me. Unless Keanu asked. Then I’d say yes.
    • Jennifer Cramer-Hughes Oh my….very goods friends of mine are going through this RIGHT NOW! Can’t wait to get my hands on this book!!
    • Sandra Jean Lawrence I think it’s not unreasonable for a marriage to last, IF the couple is committed to working out problems and not chucking in the towel the minute things aren’t “honeymoon” like. I got married at 21, and will be married 26 yrs this summer. It’s not alwa…See More
    • Jenny Smearman Cathy, i dont think our standards of marriage are high enough in todays world. People marry over lust but when things get rough they get divorced, which in my opinion and experience is not good. In the beginning of my marriage it was actually rough, bu…See More
    • Jenny Smearman Its funny i have been jotting notes to hopefully right a book but it begins with So i decided to get married…
      • Rose McGuire be very good friends before you are married. we would have been married 44 years if my husband had lived to that month.
      • Lynne Mitchell To answer all those questions I would need to write a book.
      • Mary N Connolly As someone who found love at age 17, and have been married for 39 years this July I find it hard to imagine life without Tom. There are days he drives me mad, but he always holds me up. Our off beat sense of humor as helped us weather tough times. Knock wood I hope this doesn’t jinx me
      • Simi Zuckerman People give up too easily these days – it seems too easy to get divorced. There are people getting married 4, 5, 6 times. Making a commitment to another person is just that – it is your word, does that not mean anything? Of course there are circumstances where divorce is necessary – instances of verbal or physical abuse, multiple adultery, various harmful addictions such as drugs, gambling. But I think people today do not try hard enough to make their marriage work, do not value their own vows. Compromise, compassion and communication seem so often to be missing.
      • Donna Gidillini I’ve been married for 30 years and in the beginning it wasn’t easy but we worked at it and it was well worth it! We became best friends and do almost everything together. I married for life and don’t think that I would ever marry again.

      Alice Gutshall  this fits in perfect with your discussion today.
      Don’t give up on your spouse. Ever.
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