Woman Magazine
Interview of Brianna O’Rourke, by Gabrielle Madeiro

Out in August, 2013

You have helped women all over the nation, even the world, get in touch with their sexuality. You write books, a popular column, and you’re a coveted guest on talk shows. Do you ever get tired of talking about sex?
Yes. Sometimes I never want to say “sex” or “sex toys” again in my life. But it’s not a twenty-four/seven occupation. I have a life. I have a mother, three daughters, and grandchildren. They are my priority. I also bake and I love to embroider. I sew and knit.
You knit?
Yes, I love knitting. Don’t you?
Uh, no. Do people come up to you in public and ask you about sex?
Yes, all the time. Happens in airports, restaurants, and cafés. For example, last night I was at a dinner and a man asked me what a clitoris was. He asked what he was supposed to do with it. I used two slices of lime, an olive, and half a cherry to explain it to him. I told him exactly what to do. He was so grateful he hugged me. I wrote instructions on the napkin. He took the napkin and ate the olive. I ate the cherry.
I also use bananas a lot—less intimidating. Apples come in handy, too, as do lemon quarters and chocolate fudge sickles.
Why do you think so many women reportedly lose interest in sex?
Many reasons. Oftentimes women are simply not attracted to their partners anymore. Their partners are boring in bed or self-centered, inane, ridiculous, abusive, or gross. It’s not what men want to hear. They want to blame their wives and girlfriends, but it’s the truth.
Sometimes women are flat-out exhausted. There can be medical issues, like thyroid problems or depression. There can be hormone issues, too. Who likes blowing up in bed with night sweats? Working too hard will kill a sex drive, too, as can motherhood and its demands.
There may be abuse in a woman’s background that needs to be addressed immediately.

Sometimes women don’t feel sexy anymore, too fat or frumpy, or they’re self-conscious performing. Let me tell you, ladies, dim the lights, light candles, put on a negligee, and your partner will be so glad he’s getting some, there should be no complaints. If there is, dump him and get a new partner.

You absolutely must get to the bottom of why you’re not interested in sex. There’s a reason, find it, attack it, get back in bed.
But does our society put too much emphasis on sex? Isn’t it okay to lose interest?
If you want to feel like you have a dried-up raisin living in the heart of your vagina, yes, it’s fine. If you want to lose that feeling of youth and vitality, sure, give it up. If you want to go to bed every night and simply sleep and give up your sexuality, go ahead. If you want to miss out on the rush of an orgasm, the intimacy with your lover, being in a close relationship, sure. Embrace the raisin.
You do sex counseling for couples. How does that work?
It words darn well, honey. First off, I listen to the husband and wife individually, then I work with them together. One of my clients, the wife, said that she doesn’t like sex because her husband treats her vagina like he’s holding a cattle prod and the cattle prod has to keep poking the vagina. It drove her bananas. He thought he was turning her on.

I was blunt and told him to knock it off. I had another husband complain because his wife made this singsong sound when they were having sex, like a tortured whale. I told her to make the sounds. It was awful. I told her to knock it off.

Those are easy fixes. Sex counseling can be painful because much of how a relationship is working or is completely dysfunctional comes out in a couple’s sex life. We get down to what’s going wrong between the two of them. Could be an affair, an addiction, the couple is not in love, or one person is gay or frigid or bored to death or a jerk.

Their sexual patterns could be at odds—one person wants it more than the other. It could be money issues, work issues, penis issues, vaginal dryness issues. We dig in and go.

Next I work with them about what they like during sex, and what they don’t. We talk boldly and honestly. When they leave, they’re usually pretty steamed up. My office overlooks the parking lot, and often they’re having sex in their car.
What should couples always do to have a happy sex life?
Have sex.
That simple?
Yes. Have it regularly. Have a Sex Night each week. Sex can be serious, passionate, fun, even funny. Try new things, new positions, new places. Try not to get arrested. That’s embarrassing.
Any other advice?
You must get to know your clitoris. You must figure out your orgasmic rhythm. You must figure out what you like and don’t like. You must ask your partner to do what you want to have done.
Also make a brutal assessment of yourself. Are you good in bed? Truly? Are you open to trying new things?

Adventurous? Exciting? Are you doing what you can to keep your partner in love with you? Are you a supportive, friendly, loving spouse or partner?
Anything else?
As my mother always says, “Live your life with love. When you die, that’s what you’re leaving behind.”

Share this: