January 08, 2013

New Year’s Resolutions. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Every year, in January, we are besieged with articles on how to be healthier: Eat better! Lose weight! Exercise more!

Blah blah and blah, blah, blah.

Here’s what we should all do:

1) Don’t eat like a pig very often.

2) Don’t eat kale. Or alfalfa sprouts. They’re gross. It’s rabbit food. God made it for rabbits, not you.  Are you a rabbit? Eat some fruits and vegetables or cheat and dump fruits in a blender and make a smoothie with ice cream. It would be naughty to add scotch. See below.

3) Don’t slam liquor down, you fool, when you do you look like a fool and your liver hates you. Yes, your liver speaks out loud and it also groans and has political opinions.  Listen to it.

4) Don’t eat food that’s not really food unless you can’t resist. Here are my favorite non – food items to eat that I love and shouldn’t eat, but I will anyhow in 2013: Cotton candy. Dulce de Leche cheesecake with caramel. Orville Redenbacher’s movie theater popcorn with extra butter. Burger King’s french fries. Yours?

5)  Read more to shake up your brain. Do something new to shake up your attitude. Travel to shake up your soul. Shake your booty to get some exercise. Really. Go shake your booty, boom, boom, boom.

6) Don’t pretend your life if perfect. By pretending it is you’re annoying and that’s why no one wants to hang out with you.  Now you know why no one calls. If your life is perfect, make something bad up. Like, you’re actually a man under your dress, or your husband is a flesh eating cannibal and everyone should watch their thighs around him in case he entertains some carnivorous thoughts. If he squirts ketchup on you, run.

7) Keep the whining to a minimum unless you are conversing with your cat. If the cat whines back at you, in English, quickly sell the cat off and make a lot of money.

8. Let go of the people in your life who are negative, mean, manipulative or difficult. Life is lickety – split. You/Me could be dead tomorrow, hit by a crashing ostrich or Jupiter falling. Your tribe should consist of awesome and fun Earth – walkers only.

9) Get that colon photographed by a snake – tube while you’re knocked unconscious like salami. Women, stick your feetsies in stirrups for that scintillating pap smear with the tool that resembles your mother’s metal salad tongs. Men, you don’t need a pap smear and you should not ask for one, that would be weird. Women, you do not need to get your testicles checked by a doctor unless he is gorgeous and you can think of no other reason to make an appointment.

10) Get out into nature. Watch leaves, the seasons, the weather. Make it a goal to see more sunsets. (No comment about sunrises. I rarely see them). Walk along a river. Go to the mountains or beach. See that beauty? Just relax in it for awhile and marvel and be glad you can sit and marvel. Do not smoke pot while you’re enjoying the scenery. That goes against previous goals of being healthy. In fact, don’t smoke pot at all. Another fact: Marijuana is not an herb.

11)  Say nice things. Look for the good in others. Hug people. But don’t hug strangers, they may think you’re a drunken lecher and act accordingly.  And don’t hug Keanu Reeves because he is my Second Husband and I’ll get jealous and act accordingly.

12) Daydream wildly. It’s healthy and takes the edge off life. Dance. Sing. Laugh a lot. Listen to music. Take vacations. Be your own damn self and no other.

13) Be grateful. Still upright? Not planted in the dirt? That’s something to be grateful for every night. What about your kids and spouse and partner and home and health? Yahoo. Never stop being happy about the basics. It’s the basics that make everything else possible.

14) Love more.

15) Love better.

16) Love with an open heart.

Cheers and Happy New Year.

(Remember what I said about kale and alfalfa sprouts.)

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10 Comments to “New Year’s Resolutions. Blah, Blah, Blah.”

  1. Hahahahahaha! Don’t hold back, Cathy! Let us know how you really feel! LOL! That’s awesome!

  2. Sherie Nash says:

    I like your Blog. Regarding Number 8: that would include nearly every member of my immediate family. I’ll be all alone, with my 11 year old, cause she is the only one who doesn’t drive me nuts. Maybe that would be okay. Nah, I’d miss them. Eventually. This is going to be a great year!

    • Sherie,
      That’s hilarious about number one. Family can be tricky, that is for sure. That’s why God gave us girlfriends!!!

  3. Jenn Barker says:

    RE: #4
    Peanut M&Ms, the McRib (available now!), Jack-in – the Box mystery meat tacos- mmmm-mmmm!
    Happy New Year- Happy Life!

  4. I left you a comment on your FB page..I hope you get it! I see that this is where you prefer to have a comment, and I will remember. I still think you could be Jeanine Stewart..but then I have noticed you elsewhere…Looking forward to March..Take care!

    • Georgia,
      You can contact me through the website or facebook – either works> I do get to all my email, too…eventually. Sometimes takes longer than others….I’m not Jeanne Stewart. She’s my alter ego.

  5. @ 10: Living in Holland, I smoke pot all the time (: no, I’m a sturdy housewife, and I never inhaled :). But I like the smell of it, as my neighbour is smoking late at night).

    @2: Sorry, but I do. We have a veg-garden and many of the weeds are edible, my utter revenge.

    @4 bitterballs – crunchy deep-fried meatball, that go with french fries in Holland.

    Dear Cathy, I read all night, to finish Julia’s Chocolates, I loved it. My (late) newyears resolution is make up names like Lydia does and start a Psychic NIght. Mmm, maybe starting by introducing my BookBunch Friends to your books?

    Greetings from The Netherlands, Marleen

    • Marleen,
      So glad to hear from you in The Netherlands! Didn’t even know my books were selling there. Did you buy Julia’s Chocolates there, or another country? Those bitter balls sound delicious. I’ll have to come to The Netherlands one day and try them.

      So glad you liked Julia’s Chocolates. Sorry to keep you up all night! Did you start a Psychic Night yet?


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