Every year, in January, we are besieged with articles on how to be healthier: Eat better! Lose weight! Exercise more!
Here’s what we should all do:
1) Don’t eat like a pig very often.
2) Don’t eat kale. Or alfalfa sprouts. They’re gross. It’s rabbit food. God made it for rabbits, not you. Are you a rabbit? Eat some fruits and vegetables or cheat and dump fruits in a blender and make a smoothie with ice cream. It would be naughty to add scotch. See below.
3) Don’t slam liquor down, you fool, when you do you look like a fool and your liver hates you. Yes, your liver speaks out loud and it also groans and has political opinions. Listen to it.
4) Don’t eat food that’s not really food unless you can’t resist. Here are my favorite non – food items to eat that I love and shouldn’t eat, but I will anyhow in 2013: Cotton candy. Dulce de Leche cheesecake with caramel. Orville Redenbacher’s movie theater popcorn with extra butter. Burger King’s french fries. Yours?
5) Read more to shake up your brain. Do something new to shake up your attitude. Travel to shake up your soul. Shake your booty to get some exercise. Really. Go shake your booty, boom, boom, boom.
6) Don’t pretend your life if perfect. By pretending it is you’re annoying and that’s why no one wants to hang out with you. Now you know why no one calls. If your life is perfect, make something bad up. Like, you’re actually a man under your dress, or your husband is a flesh eating cannibal and everyone should watch their thighs around him in case he entertains some carnivorous thoughts. If he squirts ketchup on you, run.
7) Keep the whining to a minimum unless you are conversing with your cat. If the cat whines back at you, in English, quickly sell the cat off and make a lot of money.
8. Let go of the people in your life who are negative, mean, manipulative or difficult. Life is lickety – split. You/Me could be dead tomorrow, hit by a crashing ostrich or Jupiter falling. Your tribe should consist of awesome and fun Earth – walkers only.
9) Get that colon photographed by a snake – tube while you’re knocked unconscious like salami. Women, stick your feetsies in stirrups for that scintillating pap smear with the tool that resembles your mother’s metal salad tongs. Men, you don’t need a pap smear and you should not ask for one, that would be weird. Women, you do not need to get your testicles checked by a doctor unless he is gorgeous and you can think of no other reason to make an appointment.
10) Get out into nature. Watch leaves, the seasons, the weather. Make it a goal to see more sunsets. (No comment about sunrises. I rarely see them). Walk along a river. Go to the mountains or beach. See that beauty? Just relax in it for awhile and marvel and be glad you can sit and marvel. Do not smoke pot while you’re enjoying the scenery. That goes against previous goals of being healthy. In fact, don’t smoke pot at all. Another fact: Marijuana is not an herb.
11) Say nice things. Look for the good in others. Hug people. But don’t hug strangers, they may think you’re a drunken lecher and act accordingly. And don’t hug Keanu Reeves because he is my Second Husband and I’ll get jealous and act accordingly.
12) Daydream wildly. It’s healthy and takes the edge off life. Dance. Sing. Laugh a lot. Listen to music. Take vacations. Be your own damn self and no other.
13) Be grateful. Still upright? Not planted in the dirt? That’s something to be grateful for every night. What about your kids and spouse and partner and home and health? Yahoo. Never stop being happy about the basics. It’s the basics that make everything else possible.
14) Love more.
15) Love better.
16) Love with an open heart.
Cheers and Happy New Year.
(Remember what I said about kale and alfalfa sprouts.)